Intoxicated

I promised myself a lot of things.

I told myself to never...
...think about the radiance of your smile.
...wallow in the feel of your embrace.
...relish the taste of your skin.
...get used to the warmth of your love.

But your scent, somehow...makes me forget.
No...
Makes me remember.

And now...I can't ever get it off of my mind:
...how you make me feel.
...how I love the way you stare.
...how I can't get enough of your flavor.
...how...much...

I...
love...
you...

Ashes

Bound and gagged, her voice was silenced.

For she longed to write stories that made people feel alive...
For in that, she finds herself coming alive.
The joy in making people feel...
It was her high.

She was young...restricted.
She had to suppress.
The fire inside had to be put out.
The embers...that were keeping her alive.
...are nothing more than mere wisps of smoke.

The writer is now dead...
What used to be something...is now an empty shell.
Hollow and devoid.

IT

Maybe I've been stopping myself from feeling anything.  I guess, it's somehow an escape?
Some of the decisions i've made isn't really working out right now.
I am at a stand still.  I guess this is me asking for help...
For at the moment, I feel helpless.

I'm pretty sure that I am at the wrong track.
Had I been at the right track, I wouldn't be feeling this way.

I am in this pit of uncertainty, and it scares me.
No...It's not even a love issue...However, it somehow is an issue of commitment.

Hahahaha.

Why would I marry something that I have no love for?

Devoid

I have been dry of emotions lately.  I'm not certain why, but I feel like...

Scratch that.

I can't feel.

So I play the saddest song I have in my playlist...
But even that doesn't work anymore.
I've been listening to it over and over...
It plays on fucking repeat.
Eventually, the feelings that accompany the song...
the fascination...the marvel...the wonder...
the sadness...
goes away.

Paradox

I can write about things.
I can shower it with flowery words.
I can make them rhyme.
I can make it pretty...

But then again...

No words can capture how you make me feel.

...alive?  I don't even know how you make me feel like.
All I know is that I feel something...

...when I hear your voice.
...when I feel your skin against mine.
...when look at your eyes.
...when I smell your scent.

So I just let the words flow...

For no words can capture how you make me feel.

I don't even know what I am feeling...
All I know is that I feel something.

Maybe if I try, I'll stumble upon the right words...
...to somehow define my present emotional circumstance.

And yet...I feel like I don't have to.
I guess...

I don't know...

Maybe...I love you?

Diary Excerpt

This is an excerpt from my OWN diary.  This is very personal, however, I just wanted to share it because of a few realizations I have made after re-reading the entry.

Dated 21-September-2012
5:40 pm
"Dear diary,
     I have 10 minutes til Philo class starts.  As of the moment, I devote this remaining time for me to unload.  For your information pala, I have decided to to turn into a teapot.  A teapot will never fall in love, right?  As of the moment, I think that's the best course of action to follow.  I just realized something a day ago.  My behavior is very self-destructive when I get caught in love's trap.  How horrible.  It changes me into something entirely eh.  I say it's not normal.  I've been wanting to cry about this kahapon pa...However, something's stopping me from doing so.  It sucks.  I feel crappy as fuck.  I don't know how to fix myself...so I'll turn into a teapot instead.  At least...a teapot NEVER gets hurt when it's broken.

Fuck love,

Alex..."

***For those none-Filipinos out there, i'll translate some of the Filipino phrases.

"kahapon pa" = "since yesterday"

"pala" = I think that's an article.  If I directly translate the sentence, it'll come out like: "Oh, and for your information..."

"eh" = I think this is something like "because".  Usually, this is used for when reasoning.  If I translate the sentence entirely, it'll come out as "Because it changes me into something entirely".

Aaaaaaanyway.  Hahaha.  That was the last written entry on my diary.  Funny.  Right next to it is a picture of a special person and me.  I decided to put that picture in my diary, and I did that on Thursday (13-Dec-2012), I think.  Just this week, I put it there.  

I just wanted to rant about the naivety of what I wrote.  What right have I to give up on love?  How stupid of me to even consider the fact that I can stop myself from falling in love.  I guess...what I'm trying to say is...one can never turn off his/her feelings.  You can deny.  I can tell people that I don't know how to feel...but that will never be the case.  Somewhere, in the corners of your hypothalamus, you are feeling something.  One is not 100% numb.  I pity myself for even letting the thought of draining myself of my emotions.  I cannot do that.  I don't know if that's even possible.  If there's someone who can do it, I congratulate you.

But...I should learn.  I cannot just switch my feelings on and off.

I'm human.

I'm capable of being happy.

I'm capable of getting hurt.

I'm capable of being angry.

I'm capable of loving.

...although I have to admit.  I had fun being a teapot.

Crestfallen

I just deleted everything I previously wrote on here.

It was a rant.  I was bitching about having no one to rely on.
After a moment of clarity and rationalization, I came to my senses.

People live for themselves.  They have, in no way, are responsible for another person's life.  They are here for THEMSELVES.

Oo nga naman.

I guess there are times when people have to be selfish.  It's their right.  It's their privilege.  It's not all the time that people can be there for you.  After all, they have to look after themselves.  I perfectly understand now.

I guess I have to try and get used to the fact that I should not rely on people as much.
If I can make it on my own, I will do it.

People are in no way indebted to you, even if you extended help.
YOU gave your help.  You have to know that when you give, you shouldn't expect something in return.

Nakakawalang-gana.  Sige.  I'll continue on giving.

...but it's high time that I stop expecting.

Alone, Forever? Meh.

I don't believe in "It takes two to tango" when it comes to love.

I had a conversation with a special person yesterday.  Long story short, the outcome wasn't the expected result.  Still here.  Still on the same boat.  Still in love...with the same person.  Still loving.  Alone.  But then again, I ask myself, "Is that so bad?"

For me, it's enough that he's there and he exists.  He's there to make boring moments alive.  He's there to make me feel safe whenever i'm on the edge.  He's there to talk to during hopeless lectures.  He's there to make me smile when nothing feels alright.  He's there.

He's there.

There was a time when I felt like I couldn't live without him.  I don't feel that same dependency on him now, and I guess that's a good thing.  I guess before, I never knew what love meant.  What I had before was a parasitic disease that was gonna destroy me and the relationship I have with the guy.  After a fight (that lasted for about 5 or 6 weeks) with him, I learned to be independent.  I learned to survive.

But then again...he came back.  We became friends.  It was never my intention to latch any feelings.  Never.
But then again, I failed.

Because of lectures in Philosophy, I learned a lot of things.  One of them was about love.  Parasitism doesn't stem from love.  It stems from something else that is derogatory to the meaning of love.  Needless to say, my eyes were opened.

Love.  I guess words can't express what it truly means.  I can only try and make an attempt to have a definition that I can live by.

"Love.  It's knowing that you can survive without the other, but still choosing to be together."
"Extending yourself for the growth of the other, in order for you to grow.  That's love."

I came up with my own definition earlier.

"Love is knowing the fact that giving it won't guarantee you a reception [of love], but still...you choose to give it."

Love is for two people?   Maybe for some.
As for me, it's okay if I do it alone.  I'm willing to give.

Mahal ko siya eh.

Statistics

You invade my thoughts as I listen to guitar strums.
In fact, you invade my thoughts in my waking hours...
My idle moments...
My busiest days...
And most especially during the times when I miss you.

I try to keep you out as I keep my mind sane.
In fact, i'm struggling to push you out right now.
During my weakness...
My bouts of paranoia...
And most especially when I think about you leaving again.

I think about us as I look at that picture.
In fact, I'm thinking that we might even have a future together.
Maybe in two days...
Maybe in two years...
Or maybe even an eternity...
But one question that rings to me...

Is there even a possibility
Of you and me?

Save me

Take me out of this colorful misery
Where the shades will only lead to gray.
My eyes are mesmerized by this cruel trickery.
This wonderful madness leading me astray.

Silence these maddening bells.
My ears are bleeding in delight.
I hear a symphony but something tells
That something might not be right.

I am deluded, and stuck in this illusion.
Get me out before I drown.
Give a light to banish the confusion.
Lead me to safety before I fall down.

Pathetic

This is an attempt of doing a reaction vid to this vid.

Pretty pathetic, don't you think?  Hahaha.  It was a vid shown to me by my friend, Pan-chan in a discussion that was initiated by Reigh.  Quite frankly, from the title, the thumbnail and a part of the description, I already knew that it was about the "Friend zone".  I knew it was gonna be something about the friend zone, and so it was pretty straightforward to me.  I decided to not watch it.

I should have continued not watching it.

Oh, pshaw.

This is just my hormones, I think.  Normally vids like that won't affect me.  I'm on my period, so my emotions are a bit touchy.

I digress.

I feel like I can relate.
The trigger to my tear tracks started around the part where he says, "Build up".  There was a certain magic to that moment and...well...at first it felt like nothing.  Then my face started screwing up...then the tears came.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Sorry, I laugh at my agony.  XD
Maybe it's just my period.  I'll be back to normal later.
I'll...write something else about that friend zone experience...but maybe not now.  I feel dry and emotionally tired.

Weird dream # 3

DISCLAIMER: No, I don't post all of my dreams in here.  I just post dreams if a) It's weird. b) It's worth remembering. c) It's both. Hahahaha.  This is one that I was very reluctant to share...but I felt like this should be something that I could remember.  This is about a dream I had before I woke up [just today].

After an internal debate with myself, I decided anyway to at least document this [yet another] weird dream.  I guess it's not so weird granting the fact that I have feelings for this person...but that's not the point.  We won't delve into that detail much further.  Hahaha.

I'll filter some parts out...just cause...

Weird dream in 3...2...1...

Yeah...so in my dream, there was sort of this darts competition.  I dunno why I was there.  I don't even know why I'm playing it like I actually cared.  I shot like 6 darts.  I don't even remember the score I got.  Anyways, the sequence shifted into this room and a mattress.

My mom was there [but she was just in the background].  Some family members were there [also in the background].  The focus on this particular dream was on my friend called Justin.  Long story short, Justin and I were playing around on that mattress.  We were just rough housing a lot [this is the filtered version].  No...nothing dirty happened.  Just a lot of tickling and hugging and shit.  I remember running my lips on his cheek.

...and sadly, I woke up.

*sigh* =.=

Gasgas na pag-ibig

Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako mapakali
Pag ikaw ay wala sa aking tabi.
Alam ko na ika'y maririndi
Kaya pilit ko itong kinukubli.

Ano ba itong nadarama
Na ikaw lagi ang iniisip sa tuwina?
Tila bang hindi ko kaya
Na kung ikaw, sa buhay ko ay mawala.

Kahit ako ay naninibago
Sa nararamdaman kong ito.
Ngunit sana hindi lang ako
Ang umiibig nang ganito.

Simple lang ang aking hiling.
Sana'y nais mo rin, sa aki'y makapiling.

Contact

Fingertips brushing
Hands intertwined.

Moments fleeting
Feelings collided.

Eyes meeting
Glances stolen.

Lips touching
Time stopped.

Senses reeling
Intimacy felt.

Love has happened.
I am falling.

As time goes by, I feel as if i'm more and more falling at the pit of hopelessness...
But somehow, as I delve deeper in the dank abyss, I feel myself falling more for you.
I don't know how you view me, but it's not as if you feel the same way...is it?
It is sad...but it's nice to know this fact:

At least I can still have you in my life...
Maybe not as a lover...
But I don't mind.
I shouldn't mind.

Time traveller

"Don't get old before your time." - Shay

When was the last time you stopped?
Just...stop.
Take a pause, and look around you.
Have you ever wondered what changed, lately?
You've been running from yesterday...
Don't you get tired?
Or is that why you run?
Are you tired of seeing your yesterday
Today?
Same shit, different day...

Just...stop.
Breathe.  Figure it out.
Maybe today, might be yesterday...
But one day...today...
will be history.
Written in the musty pages of your book.
You'll only have memoirs.
Flashes, pictures, vignettes.
So stop.
Think.
Live.

Oh glob.

Not sure if guy is ignorant, in denial or in a numb state.

That question...

There are a few things I want you to think about before you ask me that question.  Oh, I already have an idea of what you want to talk to me about.  See...I want you to think about it very carefully.  I don't want you to have regrets later on. 

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Number 1.  I hope you know that I'm not a perfect person.  I have my short comings, and I don't know if I can offer you things that will be of worth to you.  Just know that when you're asking me the question, it explicitly means that you would still go through with it, given that I might be less of what you thought I was.

Number 2.  I hope you know that I need something from you.  This will be a give and take relationship in the cases that we go forward with this situation.  I have my shortcomings, and I am willing to make up for it.  I also want you to do the same.  Fair is fair, right?

Number 3.  I hope you know that this might be a reason for us to fight a lot.  There are no perfect relationships, are there?  I'll do my best to always reconcile on the event of a fight, but I hope you don't leave me when I seem to run your patience dry.

Number 4.  I hope you know that when you have me, there's no going back.  The only option left for you in case you want to leave is to walk this earth alone.  When you ask me, you are choosing me.  You have the option to choose differently.  Tie me down with you, and you're stuck with me.  Either that, or you go solo.

Number 5.  I hope you know that I may be weak at times.  There will be times that I'll lose hope over things.  I might mope.  I might cry.  I might vent.  As irritating as that would be, I hope that you can bear with me at those moments of weakness.  Rest assured, that if you do the same, I'll try and be as understanding.

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.....I hope you've thought this through.  Oh, you have?  Wow...I...I don't know what to say...
Well...okay.  

I'd love to be your thesis partner.

La Luna Sangria

It was during this night
That I felt tremors from his spine.
Under the light
Of that blood-orange moon.
I should have been frightened
Should have ran away.
But all I did
Was to let him sway my way.
Mesmerized by those blood red eyes
I stared, full of awe.
He let out a roar, I should have left.
A howl came out from his core's depth.
And all I could was close my eyes
As the blood red moon watched
while someone dies.

It's funny how a person you thought knew you would ruin your own self-concept.

Resistance and Surrender

First and foremost...I want you to know that this is not a love letter.  How stupid and arrogant of you to assume.  Who are you anyways?  Do you really think you're worthy of receiving a sickeningly sweet [yet mundane] gesture?  You are just you.  Don't think too much of yourself.  It sickens me.

Who do you think you are?  How dare you invade the privacy of my own thoughts?  You are so brazen, just waltzing in and out of my consciousness.  Stop it, I tell you.  It irritates me; the annoying straying thoughts of you.

What do you think you're doing?  Even in my dreams, you feel the need to manifest yourself?  It bothers me; the way you smile at me.  What are you playing at?  Seriously...stop.

Why are you doing this?  Prancing around in my head from the moment I wake up...haven't you had your fill?  It bugs me; the way I can't stop thinking about you.  It's early morning, for gosh sake.  Snap out of it.

Snap out of yourself.

What is happening to me?  You finally walked out of my thoughts, my dreams, my waking moments...but now, you have invaded my life.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I tried keeping you out, but you just make your way back [like a fucking adorable kitten].  Please...I...just...please...

...I don't even have the strength to resist.  I don't even want to deny it.  I don't even care what I think anymore.  I don't even think that I'm thinking anymore.  All I know is that you're here...

in my dreams.
in my waking moments.
in my mind.
in my heart.
in my soul.

...and I don't want you out.  
...I was in denial.
...I...
...I love you.

Yet another weird dream

Alrighty.  I'm sane enough to write something coherent.  You guys need not worry about the grammar or anything like that.  The weird thing about this dream is, i've already dreamed of it once.  Punto por punto.  Same exact dream.

Alright.  I was looking for a place to change my clothes.  I found one, then I changed into them.  I wanted to enjoy my privacy [as to how, I won't let you know], so yeah.  I was about to enjoy my privacy when I realized that large windows of that room were open and people were outside.  I then decided to move.  I think it was a shower room of some sort?  The weird thing was, I was out of my clothes and was carrying them around.  I was walking around in an academy of some sort naked.  =.=  The initial goal was to find privacy for personal reasons, and later, the goal turned into "get dressed".  I won't delve into much details with this one.  It's just me, scurrying around naked, carrying my clothes, looking for a place to get dressed.

I decided to change in a pool.  Filled with water.  Logical, ain't it?  Students came pouring out of everywhere and they could see my partially [I already had my panties on] naked form in the water.  One dude jumped in and covered me so I could get dressed.  Couldn't remember if I did finish getting dressed.  I remember the dude trying to dry me off [this is where it gets weirder].  See, it turned like, from my point of view [as the person struggling to get dressed], it switched into a different perspective [I turned into someone watching a movie].  So yeah, I'm seeing Emma Roberts, partially naked while being dried off by this black dude.  He was licking the water off her skin???  It was all pretty bizarre-o.  I recall screaming "ewwwww" while watching the scene.

...weird...as...fuck.

Normal Reactions = Horror worthy scenes

Right.  I just showered and shit about 10 minutes ago.  I feel great.  See, we had no water earlier so taking a bath wasn't a good option [unless you want to turn into a soap and shampoo monster].  Needless to say, I thought:  "Hey.  I wonder how long I could take not having a bath?"  Easily answered.  The moment I uttered that question, I immediately felt the need to take a bath.  Genius.  But hey, at least give me credit.  I took a bath around 5:08 pm.  What does that say, huh?

"You are a disgusting excuse for a woman."
*Insert Okay-meme face here*

Annnnnywho, I was brushing my teeth.  Naturally, my head was bent down over the sink.  Suddenly...the unthinkable happens.  I feel a drop of something fall on my head.  I stopped.  I felt myself shudder.  I squeezed my eyes shut and ignored it.  I continued brushing my teeth.  Then another drop of whatever fell on my head.  Again.  My eyes widened...slowly, I looked up...and saw...

A bunch of wet underwear, hanging above the sink to dry.

*Ba dum tsssss..*

Can you see how a normal reaction to a mundane thing can turn into a really great inspiration for horror movie scenes?  I guess there's not so much magic to it.  Basically, these scenes tap into the minds of a normal human being's perception on how he/she'd react to a certain event.  This is not the only example I can give you.  Normal mundane thing = Horror movie scene in 3...2...1...

She went into the second floor bathroom.  She heard someone shuffling.  She called out: "Is anyone there?"  Silence.  She saw the door of the last stall open, its door creaking.  She heard a sob.  She gulped.  She walked towards the stall and blinked.  She was tempted to run away, yet tempted to look at it at the same time.  She followed the latter instinct.  Bracing herself for whatever was in there, she opened the door.  She screamed as she saw...

Her office mate Tina taking a huge dump.

See what I mean?  Change some elements, and you've got yourself a horror worthy movie scene.
It's not everyday that one sees something so horrifying...but with a wee-bit of imagination, I bet you can come up with something terrifying.

Ten steps for falling in and out

First, you befriend her.  Make it seem like a normal thing, you know?  Talk to her about random stuff and tell her how you were bored, so you were forced to make small conversation.  Do this daily until the small meaningless talks become deep and shit.

Second, don't settle on meeting her on just your classes or club meetings.  You have to hang out with her all the time.  Make her feel like you really like having her company.  Chicks dig that, you know?  Makes them feel important.

Third, start buying her lunch around three weeks after you guys first talked.  If she doesn't accept, insist.  Put a bunch of drama and bright eyes.  She'll gush and will be forced to accept the offer.  Repeat twice in two weeks.

Fourth, after four weeks, you can now ask her to go out.  No, not just out like some lunch break or shit like that.  You have to take her out on a weekend.  Tell her you just want to "hang out".  That whole..."not-a-date" thing.  If she accepts, repeat every week.  If she doesn't, go back to the third step, and try this step again after two weeks.

Fifth, start messing up with her mind.  Do the typical "Freudian slips" about how you would want to have a girlfriend like her.  Look at her reaction.  Is she blushing while smiling?  Keep doing this then.  If she gives you a wry smile, I discourage you.  Do the first step on a different girl.

Sixth, start sending sweet text messages.  'Nuff said.

If you got up to the seventh step, by now, she probably likes you back.  Either that or she's just a gold digging hussy waiting for you to give her something expensive.  Be very careful about this step.  It's the trickiest.  In here, you confess.  Tell her what you feel...but don't be sudden.  Slow baby steps will do.  Whatever you feel for her, take it down a notch.  If you feel like you've fallen for her, tell her "I like you".  If you like her, then tell her "I really want to get close to you".  Shit like that.

Eight step.  If you made it here, you've finally won a jackpot.  However, this is where most idiots go wrong.  By now, you feel so confident that you have it, this is where you'll start to lose it.  Worse, you're gonna get tired of all the crap she's been giving you lately that you forgot how amazing it feels to have her in your life.  So now, what you do is to be a perfect little douche for her.  You'll make her cry, and shit'll start happening.

Step the ninth.  Shit happens.  This is the easiest step.  Either one of you will probably break it off.

Tenth and final step.  When the break happens, mope for a few days.  Then do step one to another girl.  The only difference is:  be very obvious to your ex.  Show her that you didn't need her, and make her hurt even more.  You should feel a great sense of satisfaction, you little shit.

Chillin'

Hey guys.  I'm currently at the province.  This is the place to be if you really want to be lazy.  It's almost time for second semester, and I haven't done any productive shit.  I haven't studied coding or what not.  I hung around the interwebz, read a book [Lost Symbol, thanks to the owner], dilly and dallied...and...dilly and dallied.

It's Halloween.  Hahahaha.  Well, it's November 1 here now.  No costume parties or what. hahaha.  Have to admit I miss dressing up.  Yeah.  This post isn't very insightful or what.  It's just me blabbing about stuff.  It's so hard to care when you're this relaxed. Hahaha. :D

Ahhhh yeah~ 

Sanity and Stalker

I'm staring at the Facebook [what-do-you-call-this]...ah...newsfeed.  Yes.  The newsfeed.  It's always the same pattern.  Some status, then a picture, then a picture with an irrelevant quote, posts from 9gag, posts from people I care about, posts that I don't give a fuck with...posts...posts...posts...

I'm under the impression that maybe, i'll hear something new.  Unfortunately, that was the wrong impression. As I've said: things are same old same old in FB.  Sometimes, a brilliant idea comes up here and there, and sometimes like-worthy [for my taste] shit.

And i'm back to staring at the newsfeed.  I'm trying to comprehend what I should do next.  I'm tempted.  Really.  Tempted.  You have no idea.  This is a sheer battle between temptation and will power.  The devil on my shoulder's egging me to do it.  I have to squeeze my eyes shut.

"Go on...no one will find out."
"But i'm well aware.  And i'll find out."
"Yessssss...but it's just you.  What's the problem?"
"I want to...I really do..."
"So give in...I know it'll be rewarding..."
"It's gonna be the same thing afterwards..."
"Satisfaction, perhaps?"
"Emptiness."
"If you follow the urge, it will fill the void."
"No."

...this sucks.
I'm one search button away from typing those words...
Silence.

...and then, I think:

"No point in looking at it.  It's just some Facebook profile anyways."

Thoughts with Chocolate

Somehow, I feel like I can really say that I love you.
Oh, I have a lot of reasons...but one of them is this.
I'm eating my favorite chocolate...and all I can think about is how it'd be much more satisfying, if I could share it with you.

Sharing.  Chocolate.  C'mon people, that must be love.
Hahahah.

Changes

Template change!  I guess the current one i'm using is easier on the eyes?
It's light blue and pleasant.
The images on the sides kind of distract me though...
And the title color doesn't pop.
I might do a little tinkering.
*snicker*

Credits to Pyzam for yet another awesome template. :D

My eyes. O.O

I just realized today how reader unfriendly my blog layout is.
Reading it's giving me a headache.

DOMO

I held on to it tightly.  I don't want to let it go, for fear that I may lose everything inside it.

Earlier today, one of my favorite objects [a sling bag, given to me by a special person], got torn.  I was walking on the pathways of my university when it fell on the ground.  I was appalled.  Needless to say, I felt broken as I tried to mend the torn part of the strap.  It was difficult for me to keep walking.  Rationally, a bag contains valuables.  Naturally, I intend to protect whatever's inside it.

...but then again...that bag is special.

It was given to me [as I said above] by a special person.  He gave it to me as a product of the unfortunate event that happened on that fateful summer day.  Long story short, my wallet and my cellphone [that hasn't even reached two months in my possession] got stolen.  It was taken from my bag as we were walking on that specific street.  I was with that special person.  He consoled me.  It somehow worked.  He then told me that he'd give me some sort of sling so I could keep my cellphone near my body.  My idea of a sling is an ID strap.  His idea apparently, was a bag.

It was a DOMO bag.  I wasn't fond of that weird creature.  I stared at it open-mouthed as he gave it to me. His beautiful eyes looked at me with concern, as he said: "You can put your stuff here.  Please use it whenever you can."  I wasn't fond of that DOMO icon...but then again...I used it.  Every time I got out of the house; meaning everyday.

It has been six months since.

I have yet to fix it.  The bag is temporarily patched up by a safety pin.
...and my paranoia kicked in.

Is it a sign?  Is our relationship gonna fall apart?  Does that strap falling off have a significance?  
Somehow...I think it is.

I'll hold on to it tightly, as long as it's there...for fear of the unknown.
I can't keep it forever, however, I can hold on to it while I still can.

Primal

Strangely enough, the full moon reminds me of you.
It always does.

It never fails to make me think of your very primal being.
Your other ego.

It should scare me...as it is a very predatory creature.
A werewolf.

I've never seen you lose control.
I've never seen you transform.

And yet...it intrigues me to no end.

Strangely enough...
I feel like crap.  And I want to cry.
Gee. I wonder why.

Acceptance? Fuck that.

I've spent the past few minutes thinking about how i'd start talking about this whole thing...but then again...I'm out of clever ideas and quotable quotes...

So screw it.  Let's just get on with it.

I don't know how different you are with all the other guys that came before you.  With them, i've always pictured out a relationship with only "him" and "me".  The whole me.  All parts of it.  Even the things I hate most about myself.  Because basically, to love is to love wholly; meaning acceptance.  With you however...things are different.

Yes.  I picture out a relationship with you.  Yes.  I want you in my future.  Yes.  I want you to accept me for who I am; however, what's so different is: I don't want you to settle for the bad parts of me.  It's like I want you to be proud of me.  I want to be a better person for you.  I have no idea.  I have never felt this way before...Although, every time a person loves another person, it's always a new experience, and it's always the same "never-before" cliche.  I understand that...but...how much do I love you, man???  Enough to make me want to change some parts of me I guess.

Just something that bothered me lately.

What the fuck, brain???

I had a weird dream.  It was so weird that I felt so compelled to writing about it.  I pardon the slight slur.  I just woke up from a stupor.  The initial thing that went through my mind was: "Fuck, I gotta write this down..."

Weirdly enough, I don't know where to start.  The dream was so vivid...I can still remember the feeling.  There was nostalgia; so much of it.  So much yearning and wanting.  Honestly...it was weird...specially because basically: It was a dream about my ex, Johnny.

I never met Johnny in real life.  He was the longest relationship I ever had [oddly enough].  8 months of a long distance relationship with a stranger from Texas.  I never cared.  He had eyes that pulled me in.  Hahaha.  Ahhhh, me and my whimsical teenage dreams.

Getting back to the topic at hand, I just woke up from a dream about him.  He was here, in my country; in my city.  I saw him.  I got to hug him.  I like...squeezed his arm and told him: "I can't believe this is really happening.  I'm squeezing your arm."  There was a feeling of want coming from the both of us.  I took his hand and we went to a dark corner.   In that corner, he cornered me, and I felt his lips on mine.  I gave in.  I just took it all in.  We both wanted it anyway [in the dream].  He lifted me up against the wall and continued to kiss me.  It was all very raw but sweet at the same time.  He let me down and his forehead was on mine.  I hugged his towering form, then said: "Actually...to be honest...I wish you never let me go."  Then tears and laughter fell.  I took him to a room, but strangely enough, when we got there, it's like the darkness engulfed him.  As fast as that, he wasn't there anymore.  I walked out of the room empty.  Disbelieving the fact that it was naught but a figment of imagination.  It was a wonderful fantasy, was it not?  My mom called me, and told me: "I saw him yesterday."  Apparently, we were well aware that he was in the country.  This was when I realized:

I had a weird dream.  It was so weird that I felt so compelled to writing about it.  I pardon the slight slur.  I just woke up from a love drunk stupor.  The initial thing that went through my mind was:  "Fuck.  I can't believe I want his lips on mine again."

Life's complications are only made of the complications made by man.

Dear Blog,

As of the moment, you're the only one I can talk to right now.  It seems as if i've got no one to lean on but myself, and it sucks.  I think i've been lying to myself the entire time:

No.  I don't like being alone.

...specially in times of great difficulty.  All the bitterness is coming back to me, and i'm starting to hate myself even more.  I'm currently at an all time low...and not even my hysterical defense mechanism can help me.

So many things to say...but the words aren't forming themselves in my mind.


At least I learn something: Whatever you do, whoever's around for you...at the end of the day, you'll be left alone still.  Lean on yourself, or you'll end up in pieces.

I feel so alone, now more than ever...and I've never felt this alone since.

Unsettled

I don't know what I am to you, and I don't know if i'll be of importance to you today or tomorrow.
I have no assurance.
No certainty.
No hold over you.

Whether or not I exist, you have no concern over it.

...or...have you?

Tell me things that are concrete, for I fabricate fantasies from words pouring out of your mouth.
Make me feel secure, for I feel so swayed every time you speak.
Say something real...because I don't want vagueness.
Am I a priority?  Or am I just a choice?
Do I fit in your life?  Or do I just fill in the gaps?

Call me a martyr or whatever.
I won't care whatever I am...because it's alright with me.
Whatever I am, i'll take it.
I'll stomach it.
I'll settle for it.

On temper and temperance

I understand that people have problems, and it's not all the time that they can act properly [or the way you want them to] around you.  I really get that a lot.  I'm almost always at the receiving end of bad tempers, temper tantrums, irrational screaming and the like - even if i'm not the cause of that person's baggage.

...and then I came to a point where I started to question:

I'm always there to understand and be rational on why a person is acting that way under personal duress...
...kung ibang tao nga, kaya kong intindihin...pero bakit ako?  Hindi ako iniintindi?

I really get that other people cannot control their own actions when under such emotional stress.
Ganun na nga lang ba, na palagi nalang ako ang iintindi?
Kasi pag dumating naman ang oras na ako ang nagiging bratinella, ako parin ang mali.

Worse, ipamumukha pa sayo na mali ka.

Bakit?  Nung ikaw ba, nagkaganyan, tinrato ba kita nang ganyan?

I'm not expecting people to act like me...however, one should always remember to respect the fact that you are dealing with another person who has feelings.  Be selfish all you want...pero don't disregard the fact that the other person might be trying to alleviate your pain...and is extending his or herself for your own benefit.  The least thing you could do is to apologize [for lashing out] when you gain your rationality back.  Make an effort to fix whatever you broke during your deluge.

Maybe in saying all these, I am being selfish and very one-sided...kasi I am used to dealing with exploders.
And I know that not all people are "programmed" like me.
Pero...please...nakakapagod din umintindi.
Tao rin ako.
Nasasaktan din ako.

Event List

I've had a lot of things to talk about.  I can't remember how many days has it been since my last post, but either way...updates are gonna be on here. :D

October 8, 2012

>>>     There was supposedly a group presentation on this day.  Our group was assigned to present our project.  It was really infuriating mainly because the presentation did not happen.  I guess it was a blessing in disguise.  My group had more time to polish and prepare for our presentation.  

The downside:  We didn't get to study for our Operating Systems class exam.  However, we were lucky again, and the exam started two hours later than the original schedule.  We got to cram...hahahaha.  I even got a decent score.  

October 9, 2012

>>>     It was my S.A.D's group's schedule to have our Prototype Presentation.  Thank heavens everything went alright.  Our teacher even commended us for customizing an open source application.  We had minor kinks.  I still need to learn every nook and cranny for that specific software.  My groupmate and I did last minute tweaking.  Hahahaha.  I think this was also the day when a classmate (kind of an introvert, he is) of mine asked me to play Dance Central with him.  T'was quite embarrassing [on my part.  He is dope.],  but hella fun.  I'd really want to do it again...

October 10, 2012

>>>     ...which I did.  This time, I went with my really really tall friend.  He kept on making really really funny remarks like, "I wish there was a Dance Central game...for introverts."  and so on.  I guess this was also the day when he and I went and hung out at the mall.  I learned two words that day: Piggytus and Oinkitus.  [He had no idea what Pig Latin is.]  I got really great advice from my friend.  She taught me all about blocking and stuff like that.  I hope her sensibility rubs off on me.  Hahaha.  I really admire her.

October 11, 2012

>>>     What a perfect way to end the first semester~! :D  I guess our accounting information systems report [the presentation that was supposed to be on Monday] went well.  Our teacher kept on saying that we did a good job on the details.  Our group would never have accomplished such if not for my mother.  I guess all our efforts paid of.  The rest of the day, I hung out with my two best bros.  It was hella fun.  I seriously missed hanging out with them.  One of them's too busy with his political responsibilities and the other's busy with his photography thing.  I see them everyday, but it's always different when we're just chilling and not thinking of anything else.  We had a "food trip".  We exchanged stories.  I guess, this paved the way to Squirrel.

October 12, 2012

>>>     I did nothing but indulge.  Played computer, slept...ate.  The works.

October 13, 2012

>>>     Family time.  We had family dinner and then hung out at the new mall that opened nearby our village. Ate a Jawbreaker for the first time.  Played Slender Mod with my cousin.  I was chicken shit.  Nuff said.  Couldn't take it.  Hahaha...I was scared shitless.

October 14, 2012

>>>     Family time~!  Played Cluedo [or Clue] with my cousins and my mother.  I won twice.  Hahaha...Out of...errrr....9 games?  I'm not sure.  It was hella fun.  I finally knew how it felt to win a game with my cousins.  Hahahaha.  

Sooooo...Yeah... I guess that's everything for the past few days.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna have a BLT [Basic Leadership Training] and we have a week long Plenary session.

I only need to wait 8 more days til I win the bet with my other bro.  ;)

I want my haircut on the 23. Hee Hee.

Soooo...that's it for now.

Ooooh~! Check out my vid~! Tis a song cover~! :D

Misleading

Ano bang meron sa ginagawa mo
At pag nagawa'y dinadamdam ko?
Masyado ba akong tanga
Na bawa't kilos mo'y pinupuna?

Ang problema kasi, di kita maintindihan.
Eh dati, hindi ka naman ganyan.
Ikaw ba eh bumabawi sa isang kasalanan?
O maaari bang, puso na ang dahilan?

Wari'y ang tanso'y napagkamalang ginto.
O tadhana, sadyang mapagbiro.
Sana hindi nalang nahulog uli.
Sana hindi na naman mauwing sawi.

Ilusyon nga ba?  O totoo na?
Ewan...bahala na.
Basta wala akong hinihingi sayo...
Kung masaktan man, problema ko na to.

Bitching and Procrastinating

...pierce the needle on my skin and let the liquid flow.
...leave me empty, leave me drained...
...leave me fucking hollow.

Today, I realized that to dream, one must have an entire morphine system functioning in his/her body.  See, I came to know that dreaming, is in fact, a very painful process.  As we journey through the lines in this particular post, lemme just say that maybe...just maybe...you're in for a very very pathetic read.  So yeah...this is me wallowing in my despair.

Bitching starts in 3...2...1...

Right.  I hate the fact that my dreams are too big to achieve.  I know...it has to be a battle between wanting VS planning something.  According to what I learned in my Philosophy class, man as an existentialist being can in fact, manipulate or shape his/her life in accordance to what he/she sees fit.  Well, yeah.  You have to work your ass to get what you desire.  However, such desires [wants] are most likely inconceivable, mainly because these plans are very superficial and has a short-term euphoric effect on an individual.  Plans, however, are something much more deeper.  It is very goal-oriented, and one who plans must be determined to achieve it.  Now...this is where my dilemma starts.

I don't believe in existentialism.  Hahahaha.  I believe that we are not absolutely free to do whatever we want, mainly because of the circumstantial or societal factors that govern this wretched world.  My dream, sadly, is one that is inherent in many.  I desire something shallow, and yet, I feel a sense of it being profound. I want the feeling of being on a stage...I want to perform.  I. want. the. fucking. spotlight.

I can't help but feel so bitter.  Why can't my dreams be something smaller?  Why can't I be satisfied in what is reachable?  What is wrong with me?  It seems as if that whatever thing I desire, it easily slips away from me.  Am I forever doomed to be confined in what the world is trying to dictate?  Although I think of myself as a non-conformist, I have my limits...and as much as I would like to tell the world to "fuck off", I can't.  Somehow, my logic stops me from doing so...I'd hate to admit it...but the world is getting to me I guess.  Or am I getting older?

As one grows older, one's perception of life changes.  I used to think that being a good person was enough.  Dreaming was enough.  Being contented is enough.  Gee.  Thanks Disney Channel.

The world becomes more warped.  I'm beginning to be skeptical of things.  Love, dreams...values.  No matter what you do, if the people around you won't help you, you cannot achieve anything.  I don't believe in isolation...because no matter what, one is always gonna be surrounded by people, good or bad.  No matter how hard you try...shit happens.

So now we go back to dreams.  I feel like the world has this certain criteria of dream fulfillment.  Sometimes, things go against the natural order [I guess that would be called luck], but usually, it's the same pattern.  Beautiful people whose looks make anybody lose their head [good way or bad], inspiring life stories, and the like.  What's more irritating is, they already HAVE a good piece of the yummy yummy dream pie...however, they just HAVE to do something to jeopardize themselves or what they have.  My God.  Not everyone becomes a star.  Not everyone becomes famous.  Not everyone gets the chance of getting thousands of screaming fans...so why would you want to ruin your own life or reputation?  Are you nuts?  Are you sick of having stuff that easily?  Do you want a challenge???

*deep breaths*

Right.  I guess I'm done with my psychotic rage for now.
I think it might be best to shut up for awhile.

Solitude (4-Oct-2012)

This would be the first time that I'm posting something that I actually wrote on our school's 7th floor.  There was a time that I hated being alone, but I guess in the course of the weeks that I was in conflict with a friend of mine, something changed.  During the time that I looked for company in those weeks, I learned how to be by myself...using this particular spot as my haven in times of solitude.  And so here I am.  The way I was treated during that time was harsh, but even so, I have to thank the person responsible for that.  Without that experience, I would've been a lot more dependent with the company of others.  With that, I thank you.

Anyways, I have often craved for "forever-alone-time" whenever I find myself preoccupied with a lot of things.  I kinda developed this thing where I can't work when I'm around people.  I find myself distracted.  Basically, being an Aquarius, I am a person who's easily distracted.  Believe me, I really am.  It's a curse and a blessing both at the same time [specially in lectures and stuff like that].  So yeah...I have three tests to prepare for for tomorrow.  8:3o am, database long test.  12:25 pm AIS long test.  6:10 pm Philosophy final exam.  Thankfully the latter doesn't require much studying.  I like Philo, and well...it'll be an oral exam.  It depends on how much luck God bestows me for tomorrow's question draw.  If I get the question related to the things I know, then I'm good.  If not, then I'm screwed.  With database and AIS, I'm not so lucky.  I wish database would be kind to me.  I know for a fact that AIS is just waiting around the corner to beat my ass up.  Hahahaha.

Sounds easy, right?  I still have projects in mind.  There's like...this S.A.D prototype [no, i'm not making it up.  S.A.D is really a subject, and believe me, it's called SAD for a reason] that I have to worry about.  It's done in groups of three, but with me as a leader, I feel sort of responsible for it.  I'm blessed to have competent members, but there's that time element thing.  Apart from that, there's this AIS project [which, by the way, is handled by the same teacher who's handling the S.A.D class]  due on Monday, and with the prototype due on Tuesday, ahhhhhh fuck my life.

Exams, I still have next week.  Database exam, Operating Systems exam...after that...the beloved semestral break starts.

I think all these would be pretty cake...except for the fact that I'm extremely lazy and love to procrastinate.
Meh, I think i'll get by.

P.S. there are like two birds hopping in front of me.  Awwww. :3

It's funny how one person can throw logs in your fireplace.

Right.  I did mention earlier about a friend whose writings fueled me to write.  I should at least put her piece in mine...for thanks.

Dulzura

And also for the read, thanks. :D

Anyways...right now, my fire is being stoked.  The reason behind it is actually shallow.  Hahaha.  The fact that I got to hear his voice is just...amazing.  We never talk on the phone.  I always hear his drawl in person. I don't know what's so different.  His voice was all soft and...I don't know.  It melted me.

I'm a teapot.  I shouldn't be feeling this way.  I really shouldn't.  I am in a current dilemma as of the moment.  Put it this way: I. Am. Not. Ready. To fall. For anybody.  

However, a friend told me: Suppression will only lead to Obsession.  I guess, in trying to force oneself to forget something, the effort lies instead in remembering.

It's a fact.  I did fall for the guy.  It's another fact that I might still be hung up on him.  It's dangerous.
I care for him that much.  I am prepared to forget that I do care about him.

Hard to admit...but the reason why I can't sleep is him...

...that and...the need to study for a first period exam.

October 1 rant

No.  The layout is not mine anymore.  If you followed the post dates, this post is like...7 months away from the last.  Unfortunately, I took a curve in the non-writing road for awhile.  I was too preoccupied with school and stuff...but hey...I'm back and I'll tell you why.

I met a friend this semester.  She's a co-commissioner [in the Constitutional Commission] of mine.  I never thought that I'd befriend someone like her, mainly because I thought that she was too awesome for me.  She's still awesome, and surprise, surprise, we became friends.

She has her own blog.  She has her own grammar syntax.  Quite frankly, it was very unsettling for a grammar Nazi like me, but then again, the 'grammatical errors' are...quite syntactical.  She has her own way of putting sentences together.  It may not be the conventional grammar, but it was her own convention.  I learned to respect that.  Putting my Nazi-ness aside, I read her blog.

It.  Was.  Amazing.  It's very rare for me to get inspired to writing a blog post.  I rarely get inspired making my 'forte', so much more on something completely uninteresting for me [like a blog].  For some reason, her posts fueled me to try and revive this sad excuse for a venting journal.

So here I am.

Judging from the past posts I have, it seems like I have changed.  Come to think of it, I am bothered as to how adult my voice is coming across right now [in this post].  What happened to me?  Am I still the same person who wrote this a few months ago?  My blog was then called 'A Musing~'.  I didn't have the heart to keep the name.  I was so bothered by how immature it looked.  Besides, judging from this post, I highly doubt anybody would find this blog A Musing anymore.  Yes.  Pun intended. Ha ha.

Anyway...I figured that I need to find the past me.  What happened to ol' Ada Byron?  The fact that I can't stomach the name I gave myself [from junior year highschool], means something did change.  I shudder everytime I see the name.  Ada Calpurnia Byron.  I used to not care.  I used to deviate.

Now I just want...to...

I can't even bring myself to say it.  I am so ashamed.  I used to not care about what other people think.
As much as I want to hide it, I have to admit that I actually care.

Can you see?

Can you see the new layout? I know it's crap but I made it meself.

I'm proud of it. XD

Hahaha.

I hope I can write more. :3