A daughter's cowardice

"I have been thinking.  I have been ever since I realized something.

' The only bad conflicts are those that are unresolved. '

That quote.  I came up with that.  Now, I realize, how hypocritical of me to write those words.  I am guilty...mainly because I know I have a bone to pick with you.  That bone should have been picked at years ago, but I chose not to.  I was far too young, and my mother was too fragile.  Nobody would keep her together if I myself was broken.

So I chose to shut up.

And now I am older...my mother got by.  She has already accepted the events and is now past it.  However, it seems like I couldn't move on from it.  Yes, I am now used to living without you...but still...there is something I can't let go, and I don't even know what.

I now realize how so much am like you.  I chose to keep quiet.  I chose to induce acceptance.  I chose to stay whole.  Little did I know that the more I kept myself together, the more I was breaking myself from the inside.  By forcing myself to stand up straight, I have bent over backwards, and now I feel the strain.

No matter how hard to try and forget, it is a part of my past, and I can never leave it be.  It is a part of me.  It is the reason why I am like myself now.

I am so much like you...but as of the moment, I see the silver lining.  I see the difference between you and I.

I could never learn to hate.  I resented everything, yes, but it doesn't change the fact that you are my father, and I have memories of the father I had.  Those are too precious for me to let go.  My mother manages to smile at those memories, however, those memories only make me sad.  It makes me grieve, but at the same time, it reminds me the love I have and will always have for you.  I don't know if you could say the same, for you never said more to me ever since that last message.  I haven't received an email from you for like 2 or 3 years now.

To be honest, I don't like writing you emails.  It makes me dread.  More so, I am not ready to face you.  I am afraid that I'll crumble when I see your face.  Thinking about your face makes me want to cry.  What more if you were right there in front of me.  I don't want to shed tears when you're in front of me.

When I see you, I want you to see me happy.  I want you to know that I never hated you for what happened, and I want you to know that I still love you, and you still are my hero.  

...but since I can't bring myself to say those words to you at this moment, I'll just write it all down in a letter that I willed myself to make...but will never send."