Trash

It hurts me whenever you give the 'It's over' ultimatum.  Not once did I ever think about giving it all up because of some silly argument.  I find that it's so easy for you to say that you can do away with me.  It's unfair.  No matter how much you've hurt me, I could never say that.  At the end of the day, I worry that eventually, you'll realize i'm not worth keeping.  I'm only temporary.  Dispensable.

Subliminal

If you ever considered that eventually, we'll fall apart,

Could it be that it's your subconscious telling you 

You've given up?

Pansamantala

I started to be guilty
Of not trusting your 'forever'
On the day I realized
You wanted this to be over.

When I don't miss you, you make me feel guilty about it.
When I do miss you, you shrug it off and make me feel
so damn unimportant.

What a girl wants

I don't need to be pampered;
I need only to be cared for.

I don't need to be worshiped;
I need only to be loved.

I don't need to be a goddess;
I need only be your equal.

I don't need to be treated more;
But I need to not be treated less.

I don't need you to give me what I want;
But I wish you'd give me what I need.

Anger Management

Okay.  So today, the company i'm currently interning in conducted this Anger Management Seminar.  I was really interested to join because...

1. I aspire to be a Psychologist, and I think this could help me with my Psych Future.
2. I am surrounded by volatile and violently angry people.  It could help me how to deal with them.

Needless to say, the seminar was very informative.  I never thought it could also affect me (because apparently, ignoring one's anger is bad.  Ignoring my own anger is what I usually do when I'm upset or angry.)

Buuuuuut then again, something else happened.

There's someone in my current workplace whom I have had a falling out with.  This guy apparently decides to erase me in his life.  I don't need to explain myself, or our argument.  I don't want to point fingers at anybody, including myself.  I could be in the wrong, or he could be in the wrong.

Now.  This guy decides to ask a question.  He wonders about if a certain person would be upfront rude to him, and seems to be a person who is 'hopeless'.

Now, I can't help but think that he was referring to me.  First and foremost, I heard from other people that it is his style to make another person feel guilty if he feels as if he has been faulted.  Second of all, one always knows if dirt is being flung on him on her.  IDK.  Maybe I read too much into it, but whatever.

I just wanted to say that I am not one to hold grudges.  I have forgiven and forgotten our falling out a long time ago.  I am ready to patch things up with this guy, but I don't want to make the first move.  I don't want to try and make contact, then be treated badly.  It is awkward and embarrassing, and I want to save myself from the experience.

We ignore each other, however, I have been noticing that he is started to acknowledge my presence by giving me a certain look.  This morning, I even went as far as smiling to the group he was with, and yes, I also acknowledged him.

He returned the smile by giving me the daggers look.

I am not mad. <.<  It seems like he is.  From the seminar, it was said that one should let another person calm down before approaching them.

Wellp.  They're the experts.  I'd rather not do anything for now.

If you find me a burden or a nuisance
Just tell me.
I'll let you
Let me go.

I've always had this strange feeling.
I feel like, if you one day wake up and forget about me.
Me and ONLY memories of me.
I'd try so hard to get you back.

...but if I one day wake up.
And lose all memory of you.
You wouldn't even try.
You would let me go.

There

Always.
When you need me.
When you want me around.
When alone, you don't want to be.
When you want to be found.
When you need to be happy.
When you are bored.
When you need help.
When you want me.
I am.

Always.
I pine.
When I want your presence.
When I crave for your scent.
When I can't be alone.
When I dream about you.
When I want to be loved.
When I miss you so bad.
When I need you the most.
You are not.

It kills me that you only look for me
Whenever there is something
you need of me.

In Recluse

I know you're used to living like that.  I cannot blame you for your love of isolation.  I know how much it means to you to just lie there on your bed; locked up in your own world.  I know you hate being disturbed, and I know you hate it when people interrupt you in your reverie.

But don't push me away.

I'm tired of missing you and only you.  The problem with missing someone is that it can be one sided.  While you're wallowing in the pleasure of your seclusion, I am dying inside, every time I can't feel your presence.  If i'm not there, you're fine.  If you're not here, I hurt.

Am I obsessed?

No.  I don't think so.  I just need to feel you somehow.  Being in my heart is not enough.  It's never enough.  You can stay in my heart for all eternity, but how would I know if i'm still there in yours if you never let me feel you?

I suspect.

Every time you don't answer my messages, I feel as if you're doing it on purpose.  I feel like you are telling me to give you some space.  I am sorry.  I forgot how important isolation is to you.  I forgot your discomfort around a lot of people.  I forgot how introverted you are.

So here goes:

Even if it's torture...
Even if it's pain.
I'll force myself to love you from afar.
If it suits you,
Maybe i'll teach myself to suit it.

I'll pine for you.
Crave you.
Search for you.
In recluse.

Break Up Letter

Dear Future Husband,

This letter is not about me breaking up with you.  You know I love you dearly and will never dream of doing so.  Rather, this letter, I want to give you on the event that you've had enough of me.  I understand that you are not as patient as I am, and I do realize that maybe, one day, when you wake up, you will not be as in love with me as you were during that first day you told me you loved me.

I probably wouldn't have the strength to tell these to you myself, so I'm writing it all down now.

First and foremost, although this relationship wasn't perfect, it was perfectly fine.  We had something that had a little of everything.  Love, tenderness, fun, and maybe a bit of LQs and misunderstandings.  Nevertheless, this was the best relationship I've ever had.  I had no regrets, and you surely are not, and never will be.

You know I'll always miss you.  I've already told you beforehand that if ever we won't work out, I hope I could still keep you in my life.  I know asking it from you might be too much.  I would understand that when we walk away from this, this'll be the last time we'll ever 'recognize' each other.  Even if I want to remain in your life, i'm not sure if you'll still let me be a part of yours.  So don't worry, I'll understand.

I hope you know that i'm weak and i'll still probably try and be with you.  It'll make me happy if you decide to stay, however, (and I can't believe I'm saying this) you can turn me down.  If you'll stay with me just so I would not hurt, then don't be with me.  I don't want to be the cause of your unhappiness.  That's the last thing I want to do.

I know I wasn't the perfect girl, but understand that you also are not perfect.  Even so, know that your imperfections didn't matter to me.  They never did.  Although you've hurt me at times, not once did I ever want to end it with you.  As i've said from the very first day, it will not be me who'll end this.  Our relationship is in your hands.  It always has been.  You broke up with me before, and  I begged you once, because I knew it was not what you wanted.  But on the case that you've had enough, i'll let you go.

I want to thank you for the time you lent me.  You don't give it to just anyone, and to get the privilege of your company and time means a lot to me.  I hoped our time would really be for an eternity, but I don't think you want to spend it with me anymore.  Nevertheless, thank you so much.

There are a few things that I want to ask of you though.

When you find the girl that suits you, more than you did me, please take care of her.  Treat her right.  Never scream at her, nor cuss at her.  I don't know how the mind of every girl works, but most girls aren't as patient as I am.  So please, try to not hurt her feelings.  I've always endured every whip.  Don't inflict the same pain you did to me.

Please take care of yourself.  I cannot stress this enough.  Since you're breaking the bond, I will not be there to fuss at you anymore.  It is something I will definitely miss.  I always fear that you might take yourself for granted.  Please don't do that.

Lastly, I want you to be happy with your life.  You've always told me the things you didn't want in your life.  You've told me things you never told anyone.  You told me how you wanted your life to be.  You're older now.  You're in charge of your life now, and the reins are in your grasp.  So live your life as you want.  I don't want you to be bitter and resentful because of your unhappiness.

I guess that's all I can say.

You'll always have a part of me.  You are always in my heart.
I hope you find your eternity with someone, and I hope that eternity will be a happy one.

Love,
Your now, ex-future wife.

My walk

I remember a time when one of my best friends [yes, Dulzura, it is you] told me:

"I love your walk."

My walk.  I never really cared about it.  I just knew that walking that way made me happy.  I felt alive when I took up some speed in my stride.  The way my hips swayed for every step I made felt natural.  I felt slick.

I can't feel it anymore.

My walk feels calculated.  I seem to be mindful about it now...almost as if I don't want to be looked at.

What the hell.  I've always loved being looked at.

Vain.  I know.  But I guess I lost an important part of me.  I lost that part of me that didn't care about what other people thought of me.

Since when have I been so robotic?  I feel so stiff...even when i'm listening to music.
What happened to me?

What happened to you, Alex?

Fine.

FINE!  GO AHEAD!  I DON'T NEED YOU IN MY FUTURE!

Words that sent chills down to my spine.
I'm trying to be okay.
I'm trying to be.
Swallow the tears.
I'm fine.