Intoxicated

I promised myself a lot of things.

I told myself to never...
...think about the radiance of your smile.
...wallow in the feel of your embrace.
...relish the taste of your skin.
...get used to the warmth of your love.

But your scent, somehow...makes me forget.
No...
Makes me remember.

And now...I can't ever get it off of my mind:
...how you make me feel.
...how I love the way you stare.
...how I can't get enough of your flavor.
...how...much...

I...
love...
you...

Ashes

Bound and gagged, her voice was silenced.

For she longed to write stories that made people feel alive...
For in that, she finds herself coming alive.
The joy in making people feel...
It was her high.

She was young...restricted.
She had to suppress.
The fire inside had to be put out.
The embers...that were keeping her alive.
...are nothing more than mere wisps of smoke.

The writer is now dead...
What used to be something...is now an empty shell.
Hollow and devoid.

IT

Maybe I've been stopping myself from feeling anything.  I guess, it's somehow an escape?
Some of the decisions i've made isn't really working out right now.
I am at a stand still.  I guess this is me asking for help...
For at the moment, I feel helpless.

I'm pretty sure that I am at the wrong track.
Had I been at the right track, I wouldn't be feeling this way.

I am in this pit of uncertainty, and it scares me.
No...It's not even a love issue...However, it somehow is an issue of commitment.

Hahahaha.

Why would I marry something that I have no love for?

Devoid

I have been dry of emotions lately.  I'm not certain why, but I feel like...

Scratch that.

I can't feel.

So I play the saddest song I have in my playlist...
But even that doesn't work anymore.
I've been listening to it over and over...
It plays on fucking repeat.
Eventually, the feelings that accompany the song...
the fascination...the marvel...the wonder...
the sadness...
goes away.

Paradox

I can write about things.
I can shower it with flowery words.
I can make them rhyme.
I can make it pretty...

But then again...

No words can capture how you make me feel.

...alive?  I don't even know how you make me feel like.
All I know is that I feel something...

...when I hear your voice.
...when I feel your skin against mine.
...when look at your eyes.
...when I smell your scent.

So I just let the words flow...

For no words can capture how you make me feel.

I don't even know what I am feeling...
All I know is that I feel something.

Maybe if I try, I'll stumble upon the right words...
...to somehow define my present emotional circumstance.

And yet...I feel like I don't have to.
I guess...

I don't know...

Maybe...I love you?

Diary Excerpt

This is an excerpt from my OWN diary.  This is very personal, however, I just wanted to share it because of a few realizations I have made after re-reading the entry.

Dated 21-September-2012
5:40 pm
"Dear diary,
     I have 10 minutes til Philo class starts.  As of the moment, I devote this remaining time for me to unload.  For your information pala, I have decided to to turn into a teapot.  A teapot will never fall in love, right?  As of the moment, I think that's the best course of action to follow.  I just realized something a day ago.  My behavior is very self-destructive when I get caught in love's trap.  How horrible.  It changes me into something entirely eh.  I say it's not normal.  I've been wanting to cry about this kahapon pa...However, something's stopping me from doing so.  It sucks.  I feel crappy as fuck.  I don't know how to fix myself...so I'll turn into a teapot instead.  At least...a teapot NEVER gets hurt when it's broken.

Fuck love,

Alex..."

***For those none-Filipinos out there, i'll translate some of the Filipino phrases.

"kahapon pa" = "since yesterday"

"pala" = I think that's an article.  If I directly translate the sentence, it'll come out like: "Oh, and for your information..."

"eh" = I think this is something like "because".  Usually, this is used for when reasoning.  If I translate the sentence entirely, it'll come out as "Because it changes me into something entirely".

Aaaaaaanyway.  Hahaha.  That was the last written entry on my diary.  Funny.  Right next to it is a picture of a special person and me.  I decided to put that picture in my diary, and I did that on Thursday (13-Dec-2012), I think.  Just this week, I put it there.  

I just wanted to rant about the naivety of what I wrote.  What right have I to give up on love?  How stupid of me to even consider the fact that I can stop myself from falling in love.  I guess...what I'm trying to say is...one can never turn off his/her feelings.  You can deny.  I can tell people that I don't know how to feel...but that will never be the case.  Somewhere, in the corners of your hypothalamus, you are feeling something.  One is not 100% numb.  I pity myself for even letting the thought of draining myself of my emotions.  I cannot do that.  I don't know if that's even possible.  If there's someone who can do it, I congratulate you.

But...I should learn.  I cannot just switch my feelings on and off.

I'm human.

I'm capable of being happy.

I'm capable of getting hurt.

I'm capable of being angry.

I'm capable of loving.

...although I have to admit.  I had fun being a teapot.

Crestfallen

I just deleted everything I previously wrote on here.

It was a rant.  I was bitching about having no one to rely on.
After a moment of clarity and rationalization, I came to my senses.

People live for themselves.  They have, in no way, are responsible for another person's life.  They are here for THEMSELVES.

Oo nga naman.

I guess there are times when people have to be selfish.  It's their right.  It's their privilege.  It's not all the time that people can be there for you.  After all, they have to look after themselves.  I perfectly understand now.

I guess I have to try and get used to the fact that I should not rely on people as much.
If I can make it on my own, I will do it.

People are in no way indebted to you, even if you extended help.
YOU gave your help.  You have to know that when you give, you shouldn't expect something in return.

Nakakawalang-gana.  Sige.  I'll continue on giving.

...but it's high time that I stop expecting.

Alone, Forever? Meh.

I don't believe in "It takes two to tango" when it comes to love.

I had a conversation with a special person yesterday.  Long story short, the outcome wasn't the expected result.  Still here.  Still on the same boat.  Still in love...with the same person.  Still loving.  Alone.  But then again, I ask myself, "Is that so bad?"

For me, it's enough that he's there and he exists.  He's there to make boring moments alive.  He's there to make me feel safe whenever i'm on the edge.  He's there to talk to during hopeless lectures.  He's there to make me smile when nothing feels alright.  He's there.

He's there.

There was a time when I felt like I couldn't live without him.  I don't feel that same dependency on him now, and I guess that's a good thing.  I guess before, I never knew what love meant.  What I had before was a parasitic disease that was gonna destroy me and the relationship I have with the guy.  After a fight (that lasted for about 5 or 6 weeks) with him, I learned to be independent.  I learned to survive.

But then again...he came back.  We became friends.  It was never my intention to latch any feelings.  Never.
But then again, I failed.

Because of lectures in Philosophy, I learned a lot of things.  One of them was about love.  Parasitism doesn't stem from love.  It stems from something else that is derogatory to the meaning of love.  Needless to say, my eyes were opened.

Love.  I guess words can't express what it truly means.  I can only try and make an attempt to have a definition that I can live by.

"Love.  It's knowing that you can survive without the other, but still choosing to be together."
"Extending yourself for the growth of the other, in order for you to grow.  That's love."

I came up with my own definition earlier.

"Love is knowing the fact that giving it won't guarantee you a reception [of love], but still...you choose to give it."

Love is for two people?   Maybe for some.
As for me, it's okay if I do it alone.  I'm willing to give.

Mahal ko siya eh.

Statistics

You invade my thoughts as I listen to guitar strums.
In fact, you invade my thoughts in my waking hours...
My idle moments...
My busiest days...
And most especially during the times when I miss you.

I try to keep you out as I keep my mind sane.
In fact, i'm struggling to push you out right now.
During my weakness...
My bouts of paranoia...
And most especially when I think about you leaving again.

I think about us as I look at that picture.
In fact, I'm thinking that we might even have a future together.
Maybe in two days...
Maybe in two years...
Or maybe even an eternity...
But one question that rings to me...

Is there even a possibility
Of you and me?