Reparo

It's been months.  The light in the room where I store my clothes wouldn't turn on.  I tried replacing the starter.  I also tried replacing the fluorescent light.

Futile.

Today, my mom made me go to a house next door that's under construction.  She told me to ask help from the carpenters there.  I did [slightly embarrassed].

Two of them came to my house to help fix it.  When they checked it out, apparently, it was the switch that was broken.  Not the balllast [idk the spelling], not the lamp itself, not even the starter.

For the past few months, every night, when I need to look for clothes, I keep groping in the dark.

I don't know.  For some reason, those two workers gave me an epiphany.  For so long, I believed I could work it all on my own.  I guess this means, I also need help.

Will you still love me in the morning?

Dear Future Husband,

I know I'm not perfect.  We're almost nearing our first year.  How much have I changed since the time when we first met?  During that time, love wasn't in your language.  I was just a girl living in a fairy tale.  I never thought I would have you.

Who would have thought this is how the pieces fit?

But Babe...we're nearing our first year.  Do you still like what you see?  Am I still fit to be on your pedestal?  Sometimes I am full of shit.  Sometimes I feel like shit, and I make you feel like shit.  I never mean to.  Babe...do you have any regrets?  You have your flaws, but I'm willing to overlook them.  Despite it all, you're still the person I want to wake up beside with in the morning.

I love you.
Will you still love me in the morning?

Burden

I never want to be
I never meant to be
But in trying not to;
I have been.

Neglect

One of my crimes is not finishing what I started.  I've always said to myself "stick around longer" one too many times now.

I have been negligent of my blog.  It's almost 2014.
I wonder if things will change.

Cutex

For every sad moment
Or one of anger
I looked at my painted nails.
Blue but faded.
Pastel yet chipped.
Girls took care of painted nails.
I find them tedious.
I find them irritating.
I find solace in them.
Chip chip, flick the paint off.
I have ten fingers.
Chip a part of them
When I needed to scream.
Chip another
When I'm capable of murder.

I ended up removing the polish.
Then cut off my nails.
Girls took care of painted nails.
I find them tedious.
I find them irritating.
I'm not a girl.

Boiling Point

I have a lot of frustrations in me.  I guess one of my problems in handling them is how to let off some steam.  I feel compelled to let a person know if he has done something wrong to me, but because of fearing another conflict, I just shut up.

By the way...someone just told me to do exactly that.

"Just shut up."

Somehow, I'm starting to feel like shutting up is never the solution.

It makes me wonder how most humans tend to emulate the things they themselves despise.

Thesis Confessions

This would probably be a moment that I would remember for a long time.

I'm currently in my senior year, and the dawn of judgment day comes.  Our schedule for Thesis defense is creeping slowly.  Not really.  From its anticipation, it is speeding by...ready to cut my throat.

I have been negligent.  I admit that.  I take full responsibility.

Earlier this afternoon, I asked our Thesis instructor if I could still get the defense [with full knowledge that my partner and I would fail] granted that our adviser is currently in the hospital.  She calmly asked me if the output was finished.

and I thought to myself...

hell no. <.<

So I told her no.
She then smiled sweetly, then slowly shook her head.  I understand.

There are more details that I want to put in...but the main gist is...I was responsible for something and I have been negligent.  I banked on too many things...which...sort of...blew up on my face.

I am not mad at anybody.  Although I do know that I'm mad at myself.

I am so blessed with a lot of things.  My [life and Thesis] partner is supportive, although he does not know how to code, he never made me feel as if I were alone.  It's only now [he is at the hospital for dengue] that I feel so alone...but...that's not important.  I pray for his health.

I am blessed with our adviser.  He's awesome, I look up to him a lot.  He's also at the hospital, recuperating from his surgery [which I think went well].  It's only sad that I might disappoint him for this failure.

I am blessed with our instructor.  I think she has been silently pushing me to do better.  I don't know if she thinks of me as having potential...but her refusal for me to cop out I guess is a sign that she knows i'm better than that.

I am blessed with my classmate who I have been constantly pestering about OpenCV.  He's really smart.  I find him amazing.  He still managed to try and help me even if he's busy with other stuff.

I am blessed with my mom.  She just wants me to take a chance.  It is with this blessing that I feel most guilty of.  I feel like I failed her as a daughter.

I guess...I am also blessed for having the realization that  I made too many mistakes...and that I wasted too many chances.

Introspection series - I

Note: This would be the first of its kind.  In the Introspection posts, there would be conversations between two people.  A legend would be given as both of the characters would be called "Me".

Legend:
Me - Myself at present
Me - Myself during my freshman year in College

Me: You should have listened.
Me: To what?
Me: Too cheesy, but yeah.  You should have listened to your heart.
Me: About what?
Me: You wanted so much to please others.  Have you ever thought about your own happiness?
Me: I'll be happy when my loved ones are happy~
Me: You say that now...but for how long will you take this shit?
Me: I don't know...until I can I guess...
Me: You'll start getting angry.  You're gonna be resentful.
Me: I don't know how to get angry~
Me: You are naive.
Me: You are too rigid.  Loosen up.  
Me: I hate Thesis.
Me: Why??? I thought we'd be working with Hitesh and Topher~??
Me: Thesis'll be done by pair.
Me: O.O oh shit.
Me: You'll be working with neither of them.
Me: That's stupid~ Friends forever right?
Me: Yep.  But you'll be working with your boyfriend.
Me: I'll have a boyfriend~??!!
Me: I shouldn't reveal too much.  I should go.
Me: No wait~! I have a lot of questions~
Me: Maybe next time, dear.  Hey...word of advice.
Me: O3O *sniff* what?
Me: Stay strong okay?  You're gonna get through all of it.
Me: All of what??? 
Me: I can't say more.  I don't wanna ruin the space time continuum.
Me: Fuck you.
Me: Don't worry.  In a few, you're fucked.

I worry.

I have just received of a news that one of my previous teachers has been admitted into the ICU.
It shouldn't affect me this much, but it is.

This person made me realize how hard my chosen course is.  He was my first programming language professor.  It was very difficult, and he had such high standards.  I managed to get by.  I scraped a passing grade.

I guess I got to appreciate him more when we met in the corridors.  He would often chat with me and my friends and he just gave off this light and easy aura.  When he laughed, he really laughed.  It was refreshing.  His smile reached his eyes.

Then he got hospitalized.  No matter.  When he could already move, he went back to school immediately.  His hours spent there were shortened...however...still the same.  Easy aura.  Jovial. Jolly.

Then his mother passed.  When I saw him again after that, he wasn't the same.  His smile was laden with sadness.  He looked much older.  Weaker.  It's like realizing that your grandfather was getting old.

Yeah...somehow, I realized that maybe I viewed him as a grandfather.  Maybe not so much as gramps...just...an awesome teacher I guess.

I worry.

He's gonna be fine.  He has to be.

I hate it when you see me cry

I guess my tears were brought upon by my self-inflicted pain.
...but then again...
When you inflict pain on me, you never heard me retaliate.

...so in the end...every time...

Tears that are shed...
only come from me.

Rambles

Sometimes I just want to forget.  More often than not, I wish I was a kid again.  I may look fine.  I may look carefree.  I have a lot of things on my mind.  I have a lot of worries in me.  I have to keep a straight face.  I have to.  I just have to.

The word on my mind right now is despair.  There's always that niggling feeling.  Joy is but temporary.  That's why I hate being alone.  Being alone throws me into this nothingness that I feel.  How foolish of me to call it nothingness...because in fact, it is not nothing.  It is full of darkness and despair.

I have no right to feel this way, for the burden is not entirely on me.  It's just that, I feel like it's so draining the fact that you can't do anything to elevate someone from the same pit as you.  I don't care if I ever get out.  What matters is that the people I care about is out of here.

It's better to be left here...I don't want them in this shit hole.  They deserve better.

I don't deserve them.

In utmost secrecy

I have a lot of things I can't tell you.  I believe that between the two of us, I am more understanding.  I knew perfectly well what I got myself into.  Our relationship is something that I've always prayed really hard for.  I have it.  I really did want it...but to be honest...there are times when I ask myself: "Is this still worth holding on to?"

Don't misunderstand.  I want you in my life.  I just don't know if we are ready to have each other now.  I have always understood you.  I have always let you get away with anything, even if it hurts me.  Even if sometimes, it kills me.  I have made myself fall in deaf ears from what my friends are telling me, kasi mahal kita.  I am willing to do anything for you...but sometimes, I ask, are you willing to do the same?

I do not question your love.  God no.  Never.  Although, I sometimes question...your acceptance of me.  How do you view me?  I am afraid that you might have a different perception of me.  Sometimes, I feel like there are parts of me that you do not like...and whatever that is, I change it.  For you.  Ilang parte pa ba ng pagkatao ko ang dapat kong baguhin para maging masaya ka?  Sometimes, I feel like you are shaping me to be your ideal girl...when in fact, kahit ano pa mang kapintasan ko, ideal parin ako sayo.

Okay lang sana kung ang babaguhin mo sakin is mga pangit na ugali.  Pero hindi eh...sometimes, my eccentricity disgusts you.  You tell me I embarrass you sometimes.  Ganun na pala ako ngayon?  Ikinakahiya?

I still want this to work out.  I see a future with the two of us...but if hindi mo ako kayang tanggapin, baka ibaon mo lang ako sa resentment.

Wag ka mag-alala.  Hindi ko to sasabihin sayo.  I know for a fact, hindi mo na naman magugustuhan.

To Thanos, from Scarlett

I can't say I haven't ever felt this terrified, but yeah.  I've never felt this terrified.

I'm scared to lose you.

That's all I can come up with right now.

You mean so much to me, and to be honest, I never thought you'd be this significant in my life.

You started out as an eye candy.

Then we became friends.  I developed a crush.

You showed me parts of you that you're not proud of.  I think this was when I fell for you.

I waited...and almost gave up...

But then you told me you wanted me as more than a friend.

I've held on to you ever since.

We don't have a perfect relationship, but there is never a perfect relationship.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy to think about the future with you...but...

I do.

I never knew you'd mean this much to me.

I love you.

Letter to my Future Husband

(Inspired by an amazing work of a friend)

Dear Future Husband,

     I know that an unconventional person will have an unconventional love story.  If I remember correctly, ours is...very unconventional.  I know for a fact that it was a tad unexpected.  Nevertheless...I am happy that I get to talk to you about this.

     You know very well how expressive I am.  As expressive as I am, I am also that impulsive.  I apologize if in a way, I have pressured you into something that you may not have a liking to.  I wouldn't know.  You're the only person who really knows what you are feeling.  As I write this letter, I want you to know that I am under the assumption that I have already ensnared you under my trap.  I hope you are enjoying the nets that I have provided for you.  I have tried to make it feel cozy.

     Maybe you are already mine.  However, I don't think I have the guts (or the heart) to claim you as my husband.  Impulsive, I may be, but I try to be considerate.  I have pressured you in a lot of things, and again, I'm sorry...so don't worry; I won't be forcing you to marry me.  I'll even give you time to run away, if you ever change your mind...

     To tell the truth, even when we already told each other that we're not rushing, I have already jumped 20 chapters in our lives.  I have already seen how our relationship grew, I have already seen the fights...I have already seen the make-ups, the make outs...everything.  I have foreseen the proposal.  I already saw me say, "Yes".  I have already seen the wedding, and my dress.  I have already seen the honeymoon...and what we did.  Our first baby, our second baby...heck.  I already saw our deathbed...but I won't elaborate on that.

     Then again...our story is very unconventional.  While I dream of romance and pocket books...I have an inkling that I might've seen too much in the imaginary future.  Are those important to me?

No.

     Dude (I don't want to use endearment in this letter.  It feels weird), know that whatever you plan for us, whatever they may be and whatever the course of events, I'll be happy to take them all in.  I will be happy, knowing that I will be happy with you.  As the song goes, "I'll fall anywhere with you, I'm by your side."

     Know this: You told me you needed someone to share this lonely eternity with.  Here I am, and i'm ready for the long haul...but then again, we are not in a hurry...and you need not hurry...We have eternity.  Forever is a long time, but I wouldn't mind spending it by your side.

Love and More,
Alex (or S.V.)

   

A daughter's cowardice

"I have been thinking.  I have been ever since I realized something.

' The only bad conflicts are those that are unresolved. '

That quote.  I came up with that.  Now, I realize, how hypocritical of me to write those words.  I am guilty...mainly because I know I have a bone to pick with you.  That bone should have been picked at years ago, but I chose not to.  I was far too young, and my mother was too fragile.  Nobody would keep her together if I myself was broken.

So I chose to shut up.

And now I am older...my mother got by.  She has already accepted the events and is now past it.  However, it seems like I couldn't move on from it.  Yes, I am now used to living without you...but still...there is something I can't let go, and I don't even know what.

I now realize how so much am like you.  I chose to keep quiet.  I chose to induce acceptance.  I chose to stay whole.  Little did I know that the more I kept myself together, the more I was breaking myself from the inside.  By forcing myself to stand up straight, I have bent over backwards, and now I feel the strain.

No matter how hard to try and forget, it is a part of my past, and I can never leave it be.  It is a part of me.  It is the reason why I am like myself now.

I am so much like you...but as of the moment, I see the silver lining.  I see the difference between you and I.

I could never learn to hate.  I resented everything, yes, but it doesn't change the fact that you are my father, and I have memories of the father I had.  Those are too precious for me to let go.  My mother manages to smile at those memories, however, those memories only make me sad.  It makes me grieve, but at the same time, it reminds me the love I have and will always have for you.  I don't know if you could say the same, for you never said more to me ever since that last message.  I haven't received an email from you for like 2 or 3 years now.

To be honest, I don't like writing you emails.  It makes me dread.  More so, I am not ready to face you.  I am afraid that I'll crumble when I see your face.  Thinking about your face makes me want to cry.  What more if you were right there in front of me.  I don't want to shed tears when you're in front of me.

When I see you, I want you to see me happy.  I want you to know that I never hated you for what happened, and I want you to know that I still love you, and you still are my hero.  

...but since I can't bring myself to say those words to you at this moment, I'll just write it all down in a letter that I willed myself to make...but will never send."

:P

We have a lot of things to do...
...but fuck that.
Let's kiss instead.

Man down

There was once a soldier who thought he had it right.
He went to battle, and took it into stride.
He saw comrades going down.
He saw comrades bleed.
Him included.
His first two battles went his way.
When time came that he was called for the third one, he started to fear...
"Maybe this is not the life for me."
...and yet, he went.

As he tried to shoot his enemies, he saw that he always missed.
The situation was getting more desperate, as he saw the impending doom.
He was getting more injuries, as his comrades were.
The only difference is, they still wanted to win.
...and he...
He did not care anymore.

The battle's still not done...
but the soldier let go of his guns...
for good.

He is now seeking the life that he wants.
He left a broken man...
But he is currently putting himself back together.

I wish your decision would bring you happiness.

Halik

Haplos sa pisngi
Dampi sa labi.
Ayyy...kalami.

Feb 1, 2013

...if the red string of destiny
will get cut
in the heat of our passion...

fuck it then.
let's use handcuffs.

*Just my thoughts on this specific post that I saw from this blog. :D

Life can't always be a box of cherries

...I actually hate cherries.
...But that's not the point.

     Right.  I know that being in a relationship would be another trip to the unknown.  To be honest, I guess this might be the first serious [and by serious, I mean mature] relationship i've ever had [not online].  The thing about me is that, i'm acting very immaturely about it.
     I guess I got so caught up with the high that I get when I'm around him.  This is what I've always wanted. Mind you, I waited almost a year for this guy, and I finally have him.  Don't get me wrong.  I do love him.  I always have.  And I love him deeply as each day passes.  It's just that, this is a road uncharted.  I never actually expected that I'm gonna be in this relationship.  It has finally sunk in me that I am with this amazing guy...but I still can't believe that he's mine.  :)
     There are a lot of things that I shouldn't.  In becoming his girlfriend, I have forgotten some things.
          1. He needs his space.  
               - I know I am a clingy person.  I managed to lessen the dependency I have with him...but I'm
                 afraid that I might be getting it back.  It follows that when you're in a relationship with a person,
                 you get attached.  However, I have to remember that I can get by with or without him.  I just
                 chose to get by with him.  It shouldn't mean that I can't get by without him by my side, right?
          2. He is still the friend you had.
               - WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?  The main reason why this relationship
                  even exists is the fact that we had a good friendship!  The friendship doesn't even have to
                   terminate just because we're boyfriend and girlfriend.  XV, stop being an idiot.  Remember:
                   you are still the XV he knew: the confidante, the best friend, the side kick...only, you are also
                  now labelled as the girlfriend.
           3.  It's only gonna get tougher from here.
                - As the title states, it can't always be.  The past weeks have been wonderful.  Remember that you
                   have to get some lows before you can get the highs again.  Nothing is ever constant.  There
                   should be a healthy fluctuation of the highs and the lows.  Getting to the extremes is bad, though.
                   Always remember what you told yourself: I am willing to take all the crap he can throw at me
                   [not that he's thrown me crap].  You know how he is as a person, and I know he knows you as
                   a person.  I should adjust, just as he adjusted to my personality.  I am willing to take on the
                   tough road for him.  Honestly.

...This is my way of whining.  I feel like I have gotten some clarity now.
And I don't love him any less.

Life can't always be a box of cherries...but I guess, with him I can always have any fruit other than cherries.

TagLish

Sa bawat saya, na nadarama,
Kabayaran ng tuwa ay natural: luha.
Stories don't just end with, "Happily Ever After".
For every ending, is the beginning of a new chapter.

Immortal

The moment I catch a glimpse of your face,
Adrenaline courses, making me run and crash into you.
Everything becomes senseless,
For you are the only thing I comprehend.
The warmth of your skin feels like fire that burns,
And yet, it feels like I have forgotten how to feel pain.

We love so reckless, but who's trying to be careful?
We need not even care about salvation
For heaven is the place where we commit sin.
We dare not think about tomorrow
For we know that forever lies ahead of us.

And when we part ways
I'm earth-bound once more.
My fangs retract
While you're human once more.
And every night, I wait for that  moment:
When I see you again,
We'll transform yet again.
Go back to that place where we never die.
And be in that world, with just you and I.

After 8 months and a few days...

...yep.
It was wonderful while it lasted.

I won't get a haircut for another 8 months.  This will be the last...for now. :)

Incoherent

When I hold you in my arms, I can feel my heart swell.

     It has been a week.

     It has been wonderful...but a week will not determine what lies ahead, won't it?  No, I am not over-thinking...I feel like sometimes, I dwell too much on what's gonna happen next rather than what's happening now.  I still feel the same thing I felt a week ago.

wonder
disbelief
amazement
euphoric

     It has been wonderful.  I have so many words all up in my mind right now, however, I feel like letting it all out would seem a bit contrived.  I'm choosing my words carefully as to not overdo it.  I don't know...He's still the guy I want to write about...the guy I want to inspire me.  He is my distraction and focus - all at the same time.  He keeps me grounded even when I'm in cloud nine.  He fills the air and makes it hard to breathe.  He is a paradox...

     I am mumbling incoherently.  I'm telling you words that might not even make sense...but this is love.  Love...does it really have to make sense?  The discussion of love is an endless debate about a million things of what it is.  Need we really understand it?  Too big a concept, I believe.

     So...mi amore...why not just immerse ourselves in this ignorance.
     Let us love, for we know naught about it...uncharted waters are interesting.
     I guess I now know when they say, that:
     Ignorance is bliss.
     Who knows?  Maybe one day, we will know.
     We will discover.

To my wolf in shining armor

Sometimes, it still hits me:
I can't believe that you are with me.
It feels surreal, it feels unreal
You don't know how you make me feel.

I hold your hand and I feel sparks.
I feel higher than a flock of larks.
Because the way you hold me...
Just makes me feel free.

Meh.  Too tired, can't add no more rhymes...
But I wouldn't forget the times...
And baby, I guess it's true.
I know for a fact:
I'm in love with you.

List 1 and List 2

...these are 20 random things about me, split into two lists.  This was done for the purpose of a writer's workshop.  :)

List I.
1. I was already thinking about my list even before it was said that I needed to make my list.
2. I love getting haircuts, yet I love my hair now.
3. I tell people that I appreciate any kinds of music.
4. I hate screamo.
5. I wanna eat fried oreos.
6. I just had the guy I love to finally ask me to be his.  Needless to say, I am now his girlfriend.
7. I think the blood flow on my right leg is blocked.
8. I hate it when my leg goes numb.
9. I love music.
10. I took Information Technology.

List II.

1. I want to model.
2. I hate cameras.
3. I've never been piss drunk.
4. I am tactless.
5. My parents split up after 13 years of marriage...I was 13 at that time.
6. Now, my left is starting to go numb.
7. I wish I brought my laptop.
8. I love dogs, however, I have been told that I'm like a cat.
9. I hate gory films.
10. I wish that I was three again.


...gee.  I wonder what I could come up with using this list. <.<

Writer's Workshop [Poetry edition]

Today, I had the opportunity to be in a writer's workshop conducted in our school.  The guest speaker for the event was Sir Tom Tomlinson of the New York Writer's Workshop.  It was really amazing.  Because of the workshop, I came up with stuff.

I'll explain how this all boiled down.

We were asked to make 2 lists containing 10 random [yet true] things about ourselves.  We all created those lists.  After that, we were given the option to either use our own list or use our seatmate's list.  With that list, we were supposed to create poetry by just using the words in the lists.  We have the option to mess up the order, omit some words, but the general rule was to create a poem with 6 - 8 lines using only the words found on the list.

...because I like a challenge [and I'll feel very self-centered if I use my own list], I decided to go with my seatmate's first list.

...as of the moment, I don't have that yet.  I'll just update this post later.

Anyways...here are the two poems I created from my friend's lists.

First list:
Nervous
I sometimes feel stupid
Intimidate
A VS model for a lover
Romance
Is hard for me to imagine

Second list:
In a bank
In the future
Experience life
I think I will suck
Silly.
I don't want to study accountancy.

....hee hee hee.

I tried to fight, but can't resist.
So close your eyes, for I'm giving in.
Let me share that one first kiss.

Good night

Waking up to the feel of a chest heaving up and down,
I blink as the view becomes more clear.
Beside me, sleeping soundly, I found:
The person I very much hold dear.

That time was a perfect demonstration:
A paradox between tender and raw moments.
For both were filled with so much passion,
A mixture of heat and loving sentiments.

The way you held me made its mark.
I pull you closer, and kiss your brow.
I feel your warmth, finding solace in the dark.
I am yours: chained to you now.