Thesis Confessions

This would probably be a moment that I would remember for a long time.

I'm currently in my senior year, and the dawn of judgment day comes.  Our schedule for Thesis defense is creeping slowly.  Not really.  From its anticipation, it is speeding by...ready to cut my throat.

I have been negligent.  I admit that.  I take full responsibility.

Earlier this afternoon, I asked our Thesis instructor if I could still get the defense [with full knowledge that my partner and I would fail] granted that our adviser is currently in the hospital.  She calmly asked me if the output was finished.

and I thought to myself...

hell no. <.<

So I told her no.
She then smiled sweetly, then slowly shook her head.  I understand.

There are more details that I want to put in...but the main gist is...I was responsible for something and I have been negligent.  I banked on too many things...which...sort of...blew up on my face.

I am not mad at anybody.  Although I do know that I'm mad at myself.

I am so blessed with a lot of things.  My [life and Thesis] partner is supportive, although he does not know how to code, he never made me feel as if I were alone.  It's only now [he is at the hospital for dengue] that I feel so alone...but...that's not important.  I pray for his health.

I am blessed with our adviser.  He's awesome, I look up to him a lot.  He's also at the hospital, recuperating from his surgery [which I think went well].  It's only sad that I might disappoint him for this failure.

I am blessed with our instructor.  I think she has been silently pushing me to do better.  I don't know if she thinks of me as having potential...but her refusal for me to cop out I guess is a sign that she knows i'm better than that.

I am blessed with my classmate who I have been constantly pestering about OpenCV.  He's really smart.  I find him amazing.  He still managed to try and help me even if he's busy with other stuff.

I am blessed with my mom.  She just wants me to take a chance.  It is with this blessing that I feel most guilty of.  I feel like I failed her as a daughter.

I guess...I am also blessed for having the realization that  I made too many mistakes...and that I wasted too many chances.