Sanity and Stalker

I'm staring at the Facebook [what-do-you-call-this]...ah...newsfeed.  Yes.  The newsfeed.  It's always the same pattern.  Some status, then a picture, then a picture with an irrelevant quote, posts from 9gag, posts from people I care about, posts that I don't give a fuck with...posts...posts...posts...

I'm under the impression that maybe, i'll hear something new.  Unfortunately, that was the wrong impression. As I've said: things are same old same old in FB.  Sometimes, a brilliant idea comes up here and there, and sometimes like-worthy [for my taste] shit.

And i'm back to staring at the newsfeed.  I'm trying to comprehend what I should do next.  I'm tempted.  Really.  Tempted.  You have no idea.  This is a sheer battle between temptation and will power.  The devil on my shoulder's egging me to do it.  I have to squeeze my eyes shut.

"Go on...no one will find out."
"But i'm well aware.  And i'll find out."
"Yessssss...but it's just you.  What's the problem?"
"I want to...I really do..."
"So give in...I know it'll be rewarding..."
"It's gonna be the same thing afterwards..."
"Satisfaction, perhaps?"
"Emptiness."
"If you follow the urge, it will fill the void."
"No."

...this sucks.
I'm one search button away from typing those words...
Silence.

...and then, I think:

"No point in looking at it.  It's just some Facebook profile anyways."

Thoughts with Chocolate

Somehow, I feel like I can really say that I love you.
Oh, I have a lot of reasons...but one of them is this.
I'm eating my favorite chocolate...and all I can think about is how it'd be much more satisfying, if I could share it with you.

Sharing.  Chocolate.  C'mon people, that must be love.
Hahahah.

Changes

Template change!  I guess the current one i'm using is easier on the eyes?
It's light blue and pleasant.
The images on the sides kind of distract me though...
And the title color doesn't pop.
I might do a little tinkering.
*snicker*

Credits to Pyzam for yet another awesome template. :D

My eyes. O.O

I just realized today how reader unfriendly my blog layout is.
Reading it's giving me a headache.

DOMO

I held on to it tightly.  I don't want to let it go, for fear that I may lose everything inside it.

Earlier today, one of my favorite objects [a sling bag, given to me by a special person], got torn.  I was walking on the pathways of my university when it fell on the ground.  I was appalled.  Needless to say, I felt broken as I tried to mend the torn part of the strap.  It was difficult for me to keep walking.  Rationally, a bag contains valuables.  Naturally, I intend to protect whatever's inside it.

...but then again...that bag is special.

It was given to me [as I said above] by a special person.  He gave it to me as a product of the unfortunate event that happened on that fateful summer day.  Long story short, my wallet and my cellphone [that hasn't even reached two months in my possession] got stolen.  It was taken from my bag as we were walking on that specific street.  I was with that special person.  He consoled me.  It somehow worked.  He then told me that he'd give me some sort of sling so I could keep my cellphone near my body.  My idea of a sling is an ID strap.  His idea apparently, was a bag.

It was a DOMO bag.  I wasn't fond of that weird creature.  I stared at it open-mouthed as he gave it to me. His beautiful eyes looked at me with concern, as he said: "You can put your stuff here.  Please use it whenever you can."  I wasn't fond of that DOMO icon...but then again...I used it.  Every time I got out of the house; meaning everyday.

It has been six months since.

I have yet to fix it.  The bag is temporarily patched up by a safety pin.
...and my paranoia kicked in.

Is it a sign?  Is our relationship gonna fall apart?  Does that strap falling off have a significance?  
Somehow...I think it is.

I'll hold on to it tightly, as long as it's there...for fear of the unknown.
I can't keep it forever, however, I can hold on to it while I still can.

Primal

Strangely enough, the full moon reminds me of you.
It always does.

It never fails to make me think of your very primal being.
Your other ego.

It should scare me...as it is a very predatory creature.
A werewolf.

I've never seen you lose control.
I've never seen you transform.

And yet...it intrigues me to no end.

Strangely enough...
I feel like crap.  And I want to cry.
Gee. I wonder why.

Acceptance? Fuck that.

I've spent the past few minutes thinking about how i'd start talking about this whole thing...but then again...I'm out of clever ideas and quotable quotes...

So screw it.  Let's just get on with it.

I don't know how different you are with all the other guys that came before you.  With them, i've always pictured out a relationship with only "him" and "me".  The whole me.  All parts of it.  Even the things I hate most about myself.  Because basically, to love is to love wholly; meaning acceptance.  With you however...things are different.

Yes.  I picture out a relationship with you.  Yes.  I want you in my future.  Yes.  I want you to accept me for who I am; however, what's so different is: I don't want you to settle for the bad parts of me.  It's like I want you to be proud of me.  I want to be a better person for you.  I have no idea.  I have never felt this way before...Although, every time a person loves another person, it's always a new experience, and it's always the same "never-before" cliche.  I understand that...but...how much do I love you, man???  Enough to make me want to change some parts of me I guess.

Just something that bothered me lately.

What the fuck, brain???

I had a weird dream.  It was so weird that I felt so compelled to writing about it.  I pardon the slight slur.  I just woke up from a stupor.  The initial thing that went through my mind was: "Fuck, I gotta write this down..."

Weirdly enough, I don't know where to start.  The dream was so vivid...I can still remember the feeling.  There was nostalgia; so much of it.  So much yearning and wanting.  Honestly...it was weird...specially because basically: It was a dream about my ex, Johnny.

I never met Johnny in real life.  He was the longest relationship I ever had [oddly enough].  8 months of a long distance relationship with a stranger from Texas.  I never cared.  He had eyes that pulled me in.  Hahaha.  Ahhhh, me and my whimsical teenage dreams.

Getting back to the topic at hand, I just woke up from a dream about him.  He was here, in my country; in my city.  I saw him.  I got to hug him.  I like...squeezed his arm and told him: "I can't believe this is really happening.  I'm squeezing your arm."  There was a feeling of want coming from the both of us.  I took his hand and we went to a dark corner.   In that corner, he cornered me, and I felt his lips on mine.  I gave in.  I just took it all in.  We both wanted it anyway [in the dream].  He lifted me up against the wall and continued to kiss me.  It was all very raw but sweet at the same time.  He let me down and his forehead was on mine.  I hugged his towering form, then said: "Actually...to be honest...I wish you never let me go."  Then tears and laughter fell.  I took him to a room, but strangely enough, when we got there, it's like the darkness engulfed him.  As fast as that, he wasn't there anymore.  I walked out of the room empty.  Disbelieving the fact that it was naught but a figment of imagination.  It was a wonderful fantasy, was it not?  My mom called me, and told me: "I saw him yesterday."  Apparently, we were well aware that he was in the country.  This was when I realized:

I had a weird dream.  It was so weird that I felt so compelled to writing about it.  I pardon the slight slur.  I just woke up from a love drunk stupor.  The initial thing that went through my mind was:  "Fuck.  I can't believe I want his lips on mine again."

Life's complications are only made of the complications made by man.

Dear Blog,

As of the moment, you're the only one I can talk to right now.  It seems as if i've got no one to lean on but myself, and it sucks.  I think i've been lying to myself the entire time:

No.  I don't like being alone.

...specially in times of great difficulty.  All the bitterness is coming back to me, and i'm starting to hate myself even more.  I'm currently at an all time low...and not even my hysterical defense mechanism can help me.

So many things to say...but the words aren't forming themselves in my mind.


At least I learn something: Whatever you do, whoever's around for you...at the end of the day, you'll be left alone still.  Lean on yourself, or you'll end up in pieces.

I feel so alone, now more than ever...and I've never felt this alone since.

Unsettled

I don't know what I am to you, and I don't know if i'll be of importance to you today or tomorrow.
I have no assurance.
No certainty.
No hold over you.

Whether or not I exist, you have no concern over it.

...or...have you?

Tell me things that are concrete, for I fabricate fantasies from words pouring out of your mouth.
Make me feel secure, for I feel so swayed every time you speak.
Say something real...because I don't want vagueness.
Am I a priority?  Or am I just a choice?
Do I fit in your life?  Or do I just fill in the gaps?

Call me a martyr or whatever.
I won't care whatever I am...because it's alright with me.
Whatever I am, i'll take it.
I'll stomach it.
I'll settle for it.

On temper and temperance

I understand that people have problems, and it's not all the time that they can act properly [or the way you want them to] around you.  I really get that a lot.  I'm almost always at the receiving end of bad tempers, temper tantrums, irrational screaming and the like - even if i'm not the cause of that person's baggage.

...and then I came to a point where I started to question:

I'm always there to understand and be rational on why a person is acting that way under personal duress...
...kung ibang tao nga, kaya kong intindihin...pero bakit ako?  Hindi ako iniintindi?

I really get that other people cannot control their own actions when under such emotional stress.
Ganun na nga lang ba, na palagi nalang ako ang iintindi?
Kasi pag dumating naman ang oras na ako ang nagiging bratinella, ako parin ang mali.

Worse, ipamumukha pa sayo na mali ka.

Bakit?  Nung ikaw ba, nagkaganyan, tinrato ba kita nang ganyan?

I'm not expecting people to act like me...however, one should always remember to respect the fact that you are dealing with another person who has feelings.  Be selfish all you want...pero don't disregard the fact that the other person might be trying to alleviate your pain...and is extending his or herself for your own benefit.  The least thing you could do is to apologize [for lashing out] when you gain your rationality back.  Make an effort to fix whatever you broke during your deluge.

Maybe in saying all these, I am being selfish and very one-sided...kasi I am used to dealing with exploders.
And I know that not all people are "programmed" like me.
Pero...please...nakakapagod din umintindi.
Tao rin ako.
Nasasaktan din ako.

Event List

I've had a lot of things to talk about.  I can't remember how many days has it been since my last post, but either way...updates are gonna be on here. :D

October 8, 2012

>>>     There was supposedly a group presentation on this day.  Our group was assigned to present our project.  It was really infuriating mainly because the presentation did not happen.  I guess it was a blessing in disguise.  My group had more time to polish and prepare for our presentation.  

The downside:  We didn't get to study for our Operating Systems class exam.  However, we were lucky again, and the exam started two hours later than the original schedule.  We got to cram...hahahaha.  I even got a decent score.  

October 9, 2012

>>>     It was my S.A.D's group's schedule to have our Prototype Presentation.  Thank heavens everything went alright.  Our teacher even commended us for customizing an open source application.  We had minor kinks.  I still need to learn every nook and cranny for that specific software.  My groupmate and I did last minute tweaking.  Hahahaha.  I think this was also the day when a classmate (kind of an introvert, he is) of mine asked me to play Dance Central with him.  T'was quite embarrassing [on my part.  He is dope.],  but hella fun.  I'd really want to do it again...

October 10, 2012

>>>     ...which I did.  This time, I went with my really really tall friend.  He kept on making really really funny remarks like, "I wish there was a Dance Central game...for introverts."  and so on.  I guess this was also the day when he and I went and hung out at the mall.  I learned two words that day: Piggytus and Oinkitus.  [He had no idea what Pig Latin is.]  I got really great advice from my friend.  She taught me all about blocking and stuff like that.  I hope her sensibility rubs off on me.  Hahaha.  I really admire her.

October 11, 2012

>>>     What a perfect way to end the first semester~! :D  I guess our accounting information systems report [the presentation that was supposed to be on Monday] went well.  Our teacher kept on saying that we did a good job on the details.  Our group would never have accomplished such if not for my mother.  I guess all our efforts paid of.  The rest of the day, I hung out with my two best bros.  It was hella fun.  I seriously missed hanging out with them.  One of them's too busy with his political responsibilities and the other's busy with his photography thing.  I see them everyday, but it's always different when we're just chilling and not thinking of anything else.  We had a "food trip".  We exchanged stories.  I guess, this paved the way to Squirrel.

October 12, 2012

>>>     I did nothing but indulge.  Played computer, slept...ate.  The works.

October 13, 2012

>>>     Family time.  We had family dinner and then hung out at the new mall that opened nearby our village. Ate a Jawbreaker for the first time.  Played Slender Mod with my cousin.  I was chicken shit.  Nuff said.  Couldn't take it.  Hahaha...I was scared shitless.

October 14, 2012

>>>     Family time~!  Played Cluedo [or Clue] with my cousins and my mother.  I won twice.  Hahaha...Out of...errrr....9 games?  I'm not sure.  It was hella fun.  I finally knew how it felt to win a game with my cousins.  Hahahaha.  

Sooooo...Yeah... I guess that's everything for the past few days.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna have a BLT [Basic Leadership Training] and we have a week long Plenary session.

I only need to wait 8 more days til I win the bet with my other bro.  ;)

I want my haircut on the 23. Hee Hee.

Soooo...that's it for now.

Ooooh~! Check out my vid~! Tis a song cover~! :D

Misleading

Ano bang meron sa ginagawa mo
At pag nagawa'y dinadamdam ko?
Masyado ba akong tanga
Na bawa't kilos mo'y pinupuna?

Ang problema kasi, di kita maintindihan.
Eh dati, hindi ka naman ganyan.
Ikaw ba eh bumabawi sa isang kasalanan?
O maaari bang, puso na ang dahilan?

Wari'y ang tanso'y napagkamalang ginto.
O tadhana, sadyang mapagbiro.
Sana hindi nalang nahulog uli.
Sana hindi na naman mauwing sawi.

Ilusyon nga ba?  O totoo na?
Ewan...bahala na.
Basta wala akong hinihingi sayo...
Kung masaktan man, problema ko na to.

Bitching and Procrastinating

...pierce the needle on my skin and let the liquid flow.
...leave me empty, leave me drained...
...leave me fucking hollow.

Today, I realized that to dream, one must have an entire morphine system functioning in his/her body.  See, I came to know that dreaming, is in fact, a very painful process.  As we journey through the lines in this particular post, lemme just say that maybe...just maybe...you're in for a very very pathetic read.  So yeah...this is me wallowing in my despair.

Bitching starts in 3...2...1...

Right.  I hate the fact that my dreams are too big to achieve.  I know...it has to be a battle between wanting VS planning something.  According to what I learned in my Philosophy class, man as an existentialist being can in fact, manipulate or shape his/her life in accordance to what he/she sees fit.  Well, yeah.  You have to work your ass to get what you desire.  However, such desires [wants] are most likely inconceivable, mainly because these plans are very superficial and has a short-term euphoric effect on an individual.  Plans, however, are something much more deeper.  It is very goal-oriented, and one who plans must be determined to achieve it.  Now...this is where my dilemma starts.

I don't believe in existentialism.  Hahahaha.  I believe that we are not absolutely free to do whatever we want, mainly because of the circumstantial or societal factors that govern this wretched world.  My dream, sadly, is one that is inherent in many.  I desire something shallow, and yet, I feel a sense of it being profound. I want the feeling of being on a stage...I want to perform.  I. want. the. fucking. spotlight.

I can't help but feel so bitter.  Why can't my dreams be something smaller?  Why can't I be satisfied in what is reachable?  What is wrong with me?  It seems as if that whatever thing I desire, it easily slips away from me.  Am I forever doomed to be confined in what the world is trying to dictate?  Although I think of myself as a non-conformist, I have my limits...and as much as I would like to tell the world to "fuck off", I can't.  Somehow, my logic stops me from doing so...I'd hate to admit it...but the world is getting to me I guess.  Or am I getting older?

As one grows older, one's perception of life changes.  I used to think that being a good person was enough.  Dreaming was enough.  Being contented is enough.  Gee.  Thanks Disney Channel.

The world becomes more warped.  I'm beginning to be skeptical of things.  Love, dreams...values.  No matter what you do, if the people around you won't help you, you cannot achieve anything.  I don't believe in isolation...because no matter what, one is always gonna be surrounded by people, good or bad.  No matter how hard you try...shit happens.

So now we go back to dreams.  I feel like the world has this certain criteria of dream fulfillment.  Sometimes, things go against the natural order [I guess that would be called luck], but usually, it's the same pattern.  Beautiful people whose looks make anybody lose their head [good way or bad], inspiring life stories, and the like.  What's more irritating is, they already HAVE a good piece of the yummy yummy dream pie...however, they just HAVE to do something to jeopardize themselves or what they have.  My God.  Not everyone becomes a star.  Not everyone becomes famous.  Not everyone gets the chance of getting thousands of screaming fans...so why would you want to ruin your own life or reputation?  Are you nuts?  Are you sick of having stuff that easily?  Do you want a challenge???

*deep breaths*

Right.  I guess I'm done with my psychotic rage for now.
I think it might be best to shut up for awhile.

Solitude (4-Oct-2012)

This would be the first time that I'm posting something that I actually wrote on our school's 7th floor.  There was a time that I hated being alone, but I guess in the course of the weeks that I was in conflict with a friend of mine, something changed.  During the time that I looked for company in those weeks, I learned how to be by myself...using this particular spot as my haven in times of solitude.  And so here I am.  The way I was treated during that time was harsh, but even so, I have to thank the person responsible for that.  Without that experience, I would've been a lot more dependent with the company of others.  With that, I thank you.

Anyways, I have often craved for "forever-alone-time" whenever I find myself preoccupied with a lot of things.  I kinda developed this thing where I can't work when I'm around people.  I find myself distracted.  Basically, being an Aquarius, I am a person who's easily distracted.  Believe me, I really am.  It's a curse and a blessing both at the same time [specially in lectures and stuff like that].  So yeah...I have three tests to prepare for for tomorrow.  8:3o am, database long test.  12:25 pm AIS long test.  6:10 pm Philosophy final exam.  Thankfully the latter doesn't require much studying.  I like Philo, and well...it'll be an oral exam.  It depends on how much luck God bestows me for tomorrow's question draw.  If I get the question related to the things I know, then I'm good.  If not, then I'm screwed.  With database and AIS, I'm not so lucky.  I wish database would be kind to me.  I know for a fact that AIS is just waiting around the corner to beat my ass up.  Hahahaha.

Sounds easy, right?  I still have projects in mind.  There's like...this S.A.D prototype [no, i'm not making it up.  S.A.D is really a subject, and believe me, it's called SAD for a reason] that I have to worry about.  It's done in groups of three, but with me as a leader, I feel sort of responsible for it.  I'm blessed to have competent members, but there's that time element thing.  Apart from that, there's this AIS project [which, by the way, is handled by the same teacher who's handling the S.A.D class]  due on Monday, and with the prototype due on Tuesday, ahhhhhh fuck my life.

Exams, I still have next week.  Database exam, Operating Systems exam...after that...the beloved semestral break starts.

I think all these would be pretty cake...except for the fact that I'm extremely lazy and love to procrastinate.
Meh, I think i'll get by.

P.S. there are like two birds hopping in front of me.  Awwww. :3

It's funny how one person can throw logs in your fireplace.

Right.  I did mention earlier about a friend whose writings fueled me to write.  I should at least put her piece in mine...for thanks.

Dulzura

And also for the read, thanks. :D

Anyways...right now, my fire is being stoked.  The reason behind it is actually shallow.  Hahaha.  The fact that I got to hear his voice is just...amazing.  We never talk on the phone.  I always hear his drawl in person. I don't know what's so different.  His voice was all soft and...I don't know.  It melted me.

I'm a teapot.  I shouldn't be feeling this way.  I really shouldn't.  I am in a current dilemma as of the moment.  Put it this way: I. Am. Not. Ready. To fall. For anybody.  

However, a friend told me: Suppression will only lead to Obsession.  I guess, in trying to force oneself to forget something, the effort lies instead in remembering.

It's a fact.  I did fall for the guy.  It's another fact that I might still be hung up on him.  It's dangerous.
I care for him that much.  I am prepared to forget that I do care about him.

Hard to admit...but the reason why I can't sleep is him...

...that and...the need to study for a first period exam.

October 1 rant

No.  The layout is not mine anymore.  If you followed the post dates, this post is like...7 months away from the last.  Unfortunately, I took a curve in the non-writing road for awhile.  I was too preoccupied with school and stuff...but hey...I'm back and I'll tell you why.

I met a friend this semester.  She's a co-commissioner [in the Constitutional Commission] of mine.  I never thought that I'd befriend someone like her, mainly because I thought that she was too awesome for me.  She's still awesome, and surprise, surprise, we became friends.

She has her own blog.  She has her own grammar syntax.  Quite frankly, it was very unsettling for a grammar Nazi like me, but then again, the 'grammatical errors' are...quite syntactical.  She has her own way of putting sentences together.  It may not be the conventional grammar, but it was her own convention.  I learned to respect that.  Putting my Nazi-ness aside, I read her blog.

It.  Was.  Amazing.  It's very rare for me to get inspired to writing a blog post.  I rarely get inspired making my 'forte', so much more on something completely uninteresting for me [like a blog].  For some reason, her posts fueled me to try and revive this sad excuse for a venting journal.

So here I am.

Judging from the past posts I have, it seems like I have changed.  Come to think of it, I am bothered as to how adult my voice is coming across right now [in this post].  What happened to me?  Am I still the same person who wrote this a few months ago?  My blog was then called 'A Musing~'.  I didn't have the heart to keep the name.  I was so bothered by how immature it looked.  Besides, judging from this post, I highly doubt anybody would find this blog A Musing anymore.  Yes.  Pun intended. Ha ha.

Anyway...I figured that I need to find the past me.  What happened to ol' Ada Byron?  The fact that I can't stomach the name I gave myself [from junior year highschool], means something did change.  I shudder everytime I see the name.  Ada Calpurnia Byron.  I used to not care.  I used to deviate.

Now I just want...to...

I can't even bring myself to say it.  I am so ashamed.  I used to not care about what other people think.
As much as I want to hide it, I have to admit that I actually care.