Bitching and Procrastinating

...pierce the needle on my skin and let the liquid flow.
...leave me empty, leave me drained...
...leave me fucking hollow.

Today, I realized that to dream, one must have an entire morphine system functioning in his/her body.  See, I came to know that dreaming, is in fact, a very painful process.  As we journey through the lines in this particular post, lemme just say that maybe...just maybe...you're in for a very very pathetic read.  So yeah...this is me wallowing in my despair.

Bitching starts in 3...2...1...

Right.  I hate the fact that my dreams are too big to achieve.  I know...it has to be a battle between wanting VS planning something.  According to what I learned in my Philosophy class, man as an existentialist being can in fact, manipulate or shape his/her life in accordance to what he/she sees fit.  Well, yeah.  You have to work your ass to get what you desire.  However, such desires [wants] are most likely inconceivable, mainly because these plans are very superficial and has a short-term euphoric effect on an individual.  Plans, however, are something much more deeper.  It is very goal-oriented, and one who plans must be determined to achieve it.  Now...this is where my dilemma starts.

I don't believe in existentialism.  Hahahaha.  I believe that we are not absolutely free to do whatever we want, mainly because of the circumstantial or societal factors that govern this wretched world.  My dream, sadly, is one that is inherent in many.  I desire something shallow, and yet, I feel a sense of it being profound. I want the feeling of being on a stage...I want to perform.  I. want. the. fucking. spotlight.

I can't help but feel so bitter.  Why can't my dreams be something smaller?  Why can't I be satisfied in what is reachable?  What is wrong with me?  It seems as if that whatever thing I desire, it easily slips away from me.  Am I forever doomed to be confined in what the world is trying to dictate?  Although I think of myself as a non-conformist, I have my limits...and as much as I would like to tell the world to "fuck off", I can't.  Somehow, my logic stops me from doing so...I'd hate to admit it...but the world is getting to me I guess.  Or am I getting older?

As one grows older, one's perception of life changes.  I used to think that being a good person was enough.  Dreaming was enough.  Being contented is enough.  Gee.  Thanks Disney Channel.

The world becomes more warped.  I'm beginning to be skeptical of things.  Love, dreams...values.  No matter what you do, if the people around you won't help you, you cannot achieve anything.  I don't believe in isolation...because no matter what, one is always gonna be surrounded by people, good or bad.  No matter how hard you try...shit happens.

So now we go back to dreams.  I feel like the world has this certain criteria of dream fulfillment.  Sometimes, things go against the natural order [I guess that would be called luck], but usually, it's the same pattern.  Beautiful people whose looks make anybody lose their head [good way or bad], inspiring life stories, and the like.  What's more irritating is, they already HAVE a good piece of the yummy yummy dream pie...however, they just HAVE to do something to jeopardize themselves or what they have.  My God.  Not everyone becomes a star.  Not everyone becomes famous.  Not everyone gets the chance of getting thousands of screaming fans...so why would you want to ruin your own life or reputation?  Are you nuts?  Are you sick of having stuff that easily?  Do you want a challenge???

*deep breaths*

Right.  I guess I'm done with my psychotic rage for now.
I think it might be best to shut up for awhile.